2012

I haven’t visited this space in many, many moons…almost a year and BOY what a year it’s been….


2012…

I graduated with my bachelors

I turned 40!

I threw myself a freaking party – people came!!

I lost a faux friend

I gained about 10 new genuine people!!!!

I started working towards my life goal…the one that makes me smile, the one that uses my knowledge of business and the creativity that lives inside of me!


So blessed I am finally able to earn my certificate in fashion design & merchandising…so blessed, that I have the time to dedicate to this program, I finished my first semester Wednesday and I’m freaking OVERJOYED & THANKFUL! I’ve eyed this program for the last 6 years, BLESSED! That I can now join it and finish it, it’s WORK. Harder than obtaining my bachelors, I’m not patient nor a great seamstress, but that’s ok…I know I have other talents and just because I’m not the best at these things, I know that my business will still thrive with me at the helm and the knowledge, contacts and skills that I’m learning!!! This honestly is the thing that keeps me going…darkness has been a theme in my life this year, along with my recurring themes dealing with men…my archenemies and my biggest personal challenge.

I am addicted to men, to love, to trying to be loved, to affection. I’m codependent, I stay in situations that are serving no purpose for me and as I read some blog posts that I’ve submitted to the world, I realize that this is my biggest hurdle…one that I am committing to fixing…I’ve grown a little in this area, I’ve given the boot to two men this year citing the fact that they weren’t serving my life in the manner that I needed and as such, they needed to go…feeling pretty cool about that…

My ex helped me get over my recent heartbreak, but I’ve got to get him back out and at arms length, he’s not one I can lean on, currently there is no one for me to lean on but me…I hurt by that knowledge, this is my hurdle, this is my 41st years goal, my 2013 thing to overcome…not to have some man to lean on, but that I know I’m strong enough to lean on myself and a man is not my captain, I’m my own captain…I can only save myself!!!

But for 2012 all I can say is this freaking year has been one that is worth about 1,000,000,000 gold stars!!!! Regardless of my man issues, I, ME, I, ME!!!! I!I!I!I! have accomplished so much, I’m stronger than I give myself credit for…and even though there is not one man in my life currently that I can call if I’m on the side of the road stranded, I know that my sister and my BFF will be there…I guess I’m gonna learn to lean on those broads more, cause I’m kicking all those addictions to the curb, unhealthy relationships won’t be mine in 2013..this I KNOW!!!

2013, I’m ready to meet you…TK I’m ready to see you grow, you are learning and growing, so I know that the future will be more of the same and the lessons will finally start to STICK!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! See ya in 2013…

over reacting

so I was told I over react. Hmmmm I'm feeling some kind of way about that because I think she was trying to throw shade...I can't get all emotional about it. is being emotional about a situation the same as over reacting? cause if that's the case, then maybe...

think, think, think...

Sooooo I am putting so much stock in a man currently and I don't really like that...catching feelings for that which does not deserve is forking tiring...but then I be scared to roll after soemthing that isn't tiring, but much easier to get knocked the f&^% out and probably knock some body the f&*k out...but I know I will be more satisfied, it's like I'd rather be tired than hurt, but being tired hurts tooo so wtf?
what am I fraid of? doing it wrong? scared because I could think ahundred things that wouldn't be perfect, but nothing is perfect, one is what i'm used to what i know? the other is walking out on a limb that i never seen the likes of...that's the fear but in reality it's just man women shit, so why am i sooo fucking afraid of it?
idk, I gotta go get my mind off this right now...and just remember that...#1 is gonna be number zero...i must not go to the physical of soemthing that's not working...it would be the same as the situation in January...but this time it's something that I move from because it ain't right, not cause of self preservation or FEAR! actually not or but I moved away because of FEAR!
I'm going to stop being afraid...I'm going to start praying harder, so that I can be assured...so that what is for me will be right....
goodnight...

self sabatoge

back at it again...been doing this all weekend!! I need to get my sexy back, my confidence back, my ME back!!!

I haven't been training or dieting, I've been putting myself in crazy man situations...I am kicking all men to tha curb, but what if my tryst shouldn't be kicked...my current lack of confidence makes me self preserve and not even go for something that i've been thinking about for a while...where's the logic?

and I been sucking on school too!!!!

I gotta get back on track, I don't know what has me acting all kinds of slackerish and loserish...but I gotta get it back!!!

HELP!!!

Friday Night

spending the night in the hizzous...

the old man is playing me and he knows it, i just gotta say stop touching me! cause even though i'm working on being the tortoise i have to say what i know is right, it's just that i kinda like it and no one else is paying me no attention...wha waaaa NOT! i can live by myself...I'm good, but i MUST stop giving into my libido!!! that is the purpose of my whole Friday night at the hizzous...home.alone...
laughing, cheesing, eating awful food and drinking champagne...i guess i'm going to call this wallowing and throw this out the window with the break of dawn!!!

gotta stop letting the hormones affect me

sooooo....I been on one, had a lot of penis in my face (for lack of a better phrase, that's for the homie DDub, lol)..
so of course those girl hormones get to going with thoughts of grandeur in one direction or another and then I slow down with everyone...maybe I become not as open, but regular...with Big D of course we flat out argue, but that's to be expected

so seeing as this is the new year, my first thought was the same...kick out the old, the Big D and keep a friend...

I can't be all these people's number 2, 3 or 4 I only need to be one somebodies number 1 and only...that's flat out the bottom line, I'm not selling myself short for it...if you can't committ I gotta acquit! LMAO

ok, it's late morning i worked all night and now I'm going to sleep, I need to log 45 minutes later and I gotta get ready for the workweek get gas, groceries and whatnot!! on my grind for the vacay!!!!

scattered

so again i'm nervous that what i want and what i did meet...i thought i gave this away, it's not a testement of faith, but that pit in the bottom of my stomach when the thought creeps...it's 4 hours before the alarm will sound and i'm UP!

my mind is scattered that's why things are getting to me as they are. i must settle my whole entire freaking world...i'm a MESS and not only because of the self sabatoge, but other things that are not as they should be...i need to get on track, school, work, sewing :D

saving is my focus of the right now, i've taken lunch every day for the last 2 week +...i'm getting it in...only .6 worth this week, but man oh man i have all week to do it again :D

just totally cheered myself up :D gonna go to bed after a period of meditation and prayer...being thankful for what i have acheived in the last 2+ weeks and the focus on the more i can do and will soon be doing as second nature...MORE means alot...more taking care of business, more school focus, more over all focus, more taking care of business...MORE...you know TK

going to bed now, to dream of that which i want and the path to getting it...business, financial, savings, house, man with .......********** everthing that God brings to me that's my biggest want! just cause i want doesn't mean i'm demanding, we have to want to get, to know how to achieve to have a focus, we want jobs, we want life...<<<~~~~not too sure what took me to the left (white guilt? , lmao) silly...

goodnight