think, think, think...

Sooooo I am putting so much stock in a man currently and I don't really like that...catching feelings for that which does not deserve is forking tiring...but then I be scared to roll after soemthing that isn't tiring, but much easier to get knocked the f&^% out and probably knock some body the f&*k out...but I know I will be more satisfied, it's like I'd rather be tired than hurt, but being tired hurts tooo so wtf?
what am I fraid of? doing it wrong? scared because I could think ahundred things that wouldn't be perfect, but nothing is perfect, one is what i'm used to what i know? the other is walking out on a limb that i never seen the likes of...that's the fear but in reality it's just man women shit, so why am i sooo fucking afraid of it?
idk, I gotta go get my mind off this right now...and just remember that...#1 is gonna be number zero...i must not go to the physical of soemthing that's not working...it would be the same as the situation in January...but this time it's something that I move from because it ain't right, not cause of self preservation or FEAR! actually not or but I moved away because of FEAR!
I'm going to stop being afraid...I'm going to start praying harder, so that I can be assured...so that what is for me will be right....
goodnight...

self sabatoge

back at it again...been doing this all weekend!! I need to get my sexy back, my confidence back, my ME back!!!

I haven't been training or dieting, I've been putting myself in crazy man situations...I am kicking all men to tha curb, but what if my tryst shouldn't be kicked...my current lack of confidence makes me self preserve and not even go for something that i've been thinking about for a while...where's the logic?

and I been sucking on school too!!!!

I gotta get back on track, I don't know what has me acting all kinds of slackerish and loserish...but I gotta get it back!!!

HELP!!!

Friday Night

spending the night in the hizzous...

the old man is playing me and he knows it, i just gotta say stop touching me! cause even though i'm working on being the tortoise i have to say what i know is right, it's just that i kinda like it and no one else is paying me no attention...wha waaaa NOT! i can live by myself...I'm good, but i MUST stop giving into my libido!!! that is the purpose of my whole Friday night at the hizzous...home.alone...
laughing, cheesing, eating awful food and drinking champagne...i guess i'm going to call this wallowing and throw this out the window with the break of dawn!!!