self sabatoge

back at it again...been doing this all weekend!! I need to get my sexy back, my confidence back, my ME back!!!

I haven't been training or dieting, I've been putting myself in crazy man situations...I am kicking all men to tha curb, but what if my tryst shouldn't be kicked...my current lack of confidence makes me self preserve and not even go for something that i've been thinking about for a while...where's the logic?

and I been sucking on school too!!!!

I gotta get back on track, I don't know what has me acting all kinds of slackerish and loserish...but I gotta get it back!!!

HELP!!!

self sabatoge

my impatience and maybe a little self pity allowed me to do something i really regret...not because of the act, or the person, but because of what else i want...i want something more and something better but i cheapened it for the right now, that gave no inkling or resemblance of the want...it was something but it wasn't comfort...
i have a hard time slowing down, i want things in my time, but i can't always have it in my time...I know that the behaviour i exhibited can affect my want for more, more might not want that impatient girl...so i must become patient and always work towards the wants not the right nows....right nows are many, wants are few and far between...
thankful that i can see the lesson, it's done, the consequences may come, but i pray they do not...I know that won't happen again...patience for the future is where my mind will stay

*** in much better news, the first Monday of the New Year had me see the gym and an evening short wii workout!!! ***

You take me there...

Does he not understand that I hurt to? My thought was that he doesn’t think that it hurts me…he only looks to how he’s affected and I get it, he is but what else is there to do? You just have to let it go so it will eventually stop hurting…if you don’t want to do what it takes to move forward then you have to know that you probably won’t get what you want, isn’t that walking away?

You know what? I would so go back, but there are things that need to change and I’m not asking for a lot and they are being refused.

Then this CRAZY has the nerve to say ‘find out how much is late fee for rent’. Not asking a question, a demand…FOOL, I have told you that’s not my JOB…C’mon SON! …LOL

Gosh he sent me a message at 11:06 am, it is now 11:36 am, I have written the above and texted him and felt like hundreds of emotions and dammit I wish I could produce this much for my research paper...

I have a lot of things that I need to do…I wanted to spend my downtime doing a little design research not this…I was regular…productive, light, breezy, and focused….NOW??? Everything but…

Well it’s almost noon…I just took a little breather and thought about some plans to incorporate some art into my life…I think by summer I should be able to add something even with school, How about I focus on that, give the other back, pray and press on…my day needs to be full with the future not basking in the past…I got to figure out how to get a workout in too…How about I go shower and Enjoy the Day!!! ...you know me and my chatty azz will be back…

As much as I try...

I picked this font, because it had the word fang in it and I feel like bearing mine tonight…

I am tired of Big D, he is grown and he feels like he can’t do anything without somebody else and then it gets so good to him that someone(me) is there he gets to inviting someone over for dinner and playing all nice and giving somebody the googly eye and even though somebody’s not sleeping with him I contemplate it…

So I been telling him that I’m not going there with him, he’s taken take all this ish to the new girl and then we get this….

Him/Me

I guess since u not talking to me u can’t help me with my application

Why don’t you email it and I will look at it tomorrow, my internet is down right now

Email you the application?

Why don’t you email me the particulars, what you need help with, the job posting, etc.

Why it has to be so complicated

Why do I have to work for you on your terms? I really don’t want to be on the phone with you or texting you if you email it’s business and I can handle that periodically…sorry if it’s complicated

U slowly making me hate u and I don’t want to bye……8:23pm

U always making decisions u will regret later……9:31pm

Are you satisfied now

I never wanted you to hate me or me to hate you. you only have been thinking about yourself and not caring about how what you do affects me so I know this so I say away from it

Not true- I ask for help and u can’t wait to turn me down. Guess it make you feel like u have the upper hand. U only want an be a friend if u are here

You are just going to have to think whatever you want I have tried several times to tell you how I felt in this situation and it has not changed anything…I feel there is nothing more for me to say

I cannot be your captain…if he kept it business I might would but I know where this leads, so I will not continue to roll there with him…I am preserving my own self worth…I know that I seriously have been letting things pass me by because I’ve been so caught up with homeboy and he acts like he doesn’t understand…You get it, Negro you know you freaking get it!

It's sooo complicated I think it'll never END...but guess what? I'm done

So, it’s late, after 1am…

Last night at a party Big D dialed my line (it was after 11) I let it go to vm, I was at a party and we’re at an impasse, I mean really we’re through. He doesn’t want to commit to me and I’m over being the chick on the side??? (Wtf? What part of the game is this? I lived with you for 6 years in a committed relationship, and I’m not going somewhere we’ve never been. tk is not that much in LOVE ok???) I mean, we’re WAY past that…

So tonight, starting at about 10:45pm…him me

Tried to call you yesterday

Yeah I saw that

U didn’t want to answer

I was at a birthday party and it was hella loud

U didn’t call me back

No I didn’t

Guess u setting the grounds

You know where I stand. I don’t know where you stand or what you want. So in my eyes it means you don’t want me so I see no reason why I’m supposed to answer your call or call you, I don’t talk to taken men

Well I’m getting tired always the same thing u don’t want to talk to me or be my friend then don’t I have to find someone else to depend on

So the conversation ends there. This is a grown 43 year old man that earns a living and can take care of his self. He has been affected by the recession and has some slower earnings than previous years so I have helped him cause I pretty much live at home…BUTTTTTT…he bought ‘somebody’ something for over $400 at Nordstroms and trust it wasn’t me…so if he needs anything he should be asking the one he gifts extravagantly, isn’t she the one who he’s growing with? To me we are done, I can’t keep the role of your caretaker for the rest of our lives when you ‘date’ someone else but are always worried about where I am and if I’m with someone and even when I say I’m not you don’t forking believe me….really?

We had an argument the other day regarding him and relying on me as though I’m committed to him but he’s committed to someone else, so I decided then that I’m really over this insanity so I called him, he didn’t call me back, and when he tried to talk to me a couple of hours later I decided to forget it…it was clear by those text messages that us being a couple ain’t going to happen, I would transcribe but they are way lamer…this is a condensed version of our conversations and my clarity of the situation and his babiness and neediness and someone else needs to be his freaking Captain! That’s NO LONGER MY JOB!!

I am very clear on this issue.....I am too available for nothing, so it's time for me to move on to my own life and leave the old one behind

My Old Thing...

My old thing is ruining everything in my life right now....

I am irritated, and I am typically not an irritated person and I hate being irritated and irritable, lets face it the ish ain't cute....
I'm emotional...red eyes do not a new date make....
I'm crazy, I'm questioning everything I know...I even contemplate getting back with him....

Us getting back together is NOT a good look, it's not going to happen if it happened, I would be the most miserable chick in the world...I freaking know this, so why do I act like I want to be back with him????

I feel like I'm freaking CRAZY, I know I'm ready to be ON TO THE NEXT ONE

I'm just scared of what I do not know, we haven't been together for the last 2 years....and also, I haven't slept with him since last March...so what the fuck do I think I'm not walking away from??? I mean I've already clearly walked away from the situation, so why am I acting as though the world will crash if I fully & completely walk away and leave the past behind me...

WHAT AM I AFRAID OF????

I don't like this feeling and I'm not sure of what I really think is going to happen...

I know that this is not the love of my life anymore, I know that this person is extremely selfish, I know that he is sooo full of his self that he thinks he's right about everything, he does not fight fair, he's a bully, I know that he thinks he knows everything...I believe that his general bad attitude is holding him back from everything....

I know that I am decisive & haste....but I cannot keep regretting, I feel fear and remorse for so many things that we have been through, but I also know I was not in a relationship by myself and I cannot control & create a perfect relationship for two, when I am only one!!

I GOTTA GO, GOTTA LEAVE....I'm soooo ready for something NEW!!!! OLD must roll out...I'm not taking this to my birthday