2012

I haven’t visited this space in many, many moons…almost a year and BOY what a year it’s been….


2012…

I graduated with my bachelors

I turned 40!

I threw myself a freaking party – people came!!

I lost a faux friend

I gained about 10 new genuine people!!!!

I started working towards my life goal…the one that makes me smile, the one that uses my knowledge of business and the creativity that lives inside of me!


So blessed I am finally able to earn my certificate in fashion design & merchandising…so blessed, that I have the time to dedicate to this program, I finished my first semester Wednesday and I’m freaking OVERJOYED & THANKFUL! I’ve eyed this program for the last 6 years, BLESSED! That I can now join it and finish it, it’s WORK. Harder than obtaining my bachelors, I’m not patient nor a great seamstress, but that’s ok…I know I have other talents and just because I’m not the best at these things, I know that my business will still thrive with me at the helm and the knowledge, contacts and skills that I’m learning!!! This honestly is the thing that keeps me going…darkness has been a theme in my life this year, along with my recurring themes dealing with men…my archenemies and my biggest personal challenge.

I am addicted to men, to love, to trying to be loved, to affection. I’m codependent, I stay in situations that are serving no purpose for me and as I read some blog posts that I’ve submitted to the world, I realize that this is my biggest hurdle…one that I am committing to fixing…I’ve grown a little in this area, I’ve given the boot to two men this year citing the fact that they weren’t serving my life in the manner that I needed and as such, they needed to go…feeling pretty cool about that…

My ex helped me get over my recent heartbreak, but I’ve got to get him back out and at arms length, he’s not one I can lean on, currently there is no one for me to lean on but me…I hurt by that knowledge, this is my hurdle, this is my 41st years goal, my 2013 thing to overcome…not to have some man to lean on, but that I know I’m strong enough to lean on myself and a man is not my captain, I’m my own captain…I can only save myself!!!

But for 2012 all I can say is this freaking year has been one that is worth about 1,000,000,000 gold stars!!!! Regardless of my man issues, I, ME, I, ME!!!! I!I!I!I! have accomplished so much, I’m stronger than I give myself credit for…and even though there is not one man in my life currently that I can call if I’m on the side of the road stranded, I know that my sister and my BFF will be there…I guess I’m gonna learn to lean on those broads more, cause I’m kicking all those addictions to the curb, unhealthy relationships won’t be mine in 2013..this I KNOW!!!

2013, I’m ready to meet you…TK I’m ready to see you grow, you are learning and growing, so I know that the future will be more of the same and the lessons will finally start to STICK!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! See ya in 2013…

self sabatoge

my impatience and maybe a little self pity allowed me to do something i really regret...not because of the act, or the person, but because of what else i want...i want something more and something better but i cheapened it for the right now, that gave no inkling or resemblance of the want...it was something but it wasn't comfort...
i have a hard time slowing down, i want things in my time, but i can't always have it in my time...I know that the behaviour i exhibited can affect my want for more, more might not want that impatient girl...so i must become patient and always work towards the wants not the right nows....right nows are many, wants are few and far between...
thankful that i can see the lesson, it's done, the consequences may come, but i pray they do not...I know that won't happen again...patience for the future is where my mind will stay

*** in much better news, the first Monday of the New Year had me see the gym and an evening short wii workout!!! ***

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!! 1/1/2011....

Wow! 2010 was a great year and I know that awesome, wonderful and great things are coming up soon!!!! I'm feeling hopeful and I know that I am moving towards things that will help my career and my world and my life...I'm happy to be continuing to save so I can buy my home, to build a business and to continue to learn grow and to be pursuing health!

Pursuing all things is what I'm going to continue to do...

Last night...
I opted to stay home, then I thought about having company, that fell through, but I still wanna kick it with him....I'm such a girl!!! blah...it's Saturday night, I worked early today and will again tomorrow...I'm tired...so I'm going to lay it down as I watch a little Game marathon! yippeee for cable, that I wanna cancel cause it's not helping me save!!!! Well as always I have things to work on...

Good night peeps...new year...keep on pushing, learning, pursuing life every day!!!!

Well at least since the last time I blogged on 12/23/10 I have been 100% on point!!!! so I'm moving slowly, but surely in the right direction...I still have PLENTY of work to do...slowly, surely

participating in this race

I'm in it, the rat race I'm a willing participant putting my all forward and I'd like to win or place so high that people know me...It begins inside, embracing me ~ that's what I'm learning, regardless of what anyone might have or anything; they deserve it and so do I, it will come to me when I am ready for it....
I'm thankful for the Memorial Day I just spent, actually this weekend was really good, I worked the graveyard so I got to spend my weekend with my peeps....so blessed and I'm thankful for my blessings.
I've a busy weekend planned. I want to get this room together and go buy a vaccum...I have plans for lunch and I wanted to get my hair dyed if we can get together before I gotta get back to work...
Been to the gym 4 of the last 5 days and that's what I'm talking about...gotta get it, I'm back on food and I'm going to make something vegetarian for myself for this week, I ate meat this weekend, but I was mindful and dind't overindulge tooo much, I'm trying to keep a under my daily calories and gradually move up and I think I'm doing that...
RIP to my Grandpa a retired Air Force Man...thankful for your service and today we honor you and those like you, I miss you and love you...
goodnight, heading to rest in a mindful, thankful, happier, most embracing of self, situation...embrace the positive!

cleansing, understanding

it really hit me in the face that everything you've been through does shape you. it's not baggage, it's your steppping stone. it's shaped you for better or for worse so now I have to learn how to use that step to the best place for all of your feelings and emotions...cryptic and probably not very clear, but it's all I got right now.

I denied my sis a chore...I'm tired, I've been cleansing and I'm on day 4. I switched shifts and tomorrow I'm able to sleep in and I'm taking the opportunity. sorry I had to and I hope my selfishness doesn't cause you too much grief.

day 4 of cleansing is ok. I think I got a little emotional earlier. mean customers and big D might have gotten to me a little. I'm glad it was over and out quickly. I denied big D my business today (even though I don't have any LOL) and he says he gets it, I hope he does.

cleansing has been ok, I'm working it out I can't believe it's been 4 days of me having the same thing everyday and it's just one thing and it's perfectly made and I'm over it...tomorrow is day 5, it'll be downhill from there and for that I am soooo THANKFUL!!!!!

I'm feeling a little fearful, but I'm trying not to let it get in my world. I have to keep prayerful.

goodnight day 4 of the cleanse tomorrow is the halfway point! I know I'm going to keep up my lifestyle choices after this, this was hard...tomorrow starts the gym.

I need to embrace it

What is it?? it is being single....

I embraced it when I was painfully raw from my break up, then I started getting over it, and now I just need to embrace it. Obviously I'm not going to be with anyone for some time, so I gotta get on the good foot...it happens when you aren't looking, it's not yours to make, let God bring someone in your life....

I hear them and on some level I believe it, but seriously - I GOTTA EMBRACE IT....you're single...and until your husband is revealed you obviously need to be...

Today I'm over homeboy I gave my number to last month that never called but still flirts with me endlessly. I try & keep it even, I guess I just have to embrace, that I'm single, nothing moving there....so keep it even, no more flirting (I mean, why for?), so I guess homeboy is busy or otherwise engaged, so I ain't even thinking anything is happening there...

Big D...that Ninja went to the left today...asking me how much is an iPad...I say around the ballpark I think the thing is in, he says can I get him one...that throws no bells cause he's forever acting like we're together and I'm going to get him something...but when I say it's not in the budget, homeboy comes at me talking about I'm hurt, I've done sooo much for you...WTF?...so I say homeboy I live in the present, you need to join me here....then he says I should have gotten more from you when you were here???? what kind of crazy town is this Ninja from??? I mean seriously??? get some ish from the girl you buy Nordstroms for...when I lived with you, you had attitude if I bought myself anything & today you're going there....GTFO!!!!

So I guess the real lesson of it all is, I'm single, I'm attractive, I'm single and attractive and that's OK, one day I will find the love of my life, one day I will have an active dating life, one day...so today all I can do is embrace ME & my SINGLENESS, I'm single and it's all good....the right one hasn't been revealed YET, but it will be...until then I EMBRACE IT - no more pushing, overthinking, no more planning based on NOTHING....EMBRACE you're single life, so you can be ready for your husband....

I'm deleting my plenty of fish account tooo...I mean what for????

I love you TK, I LOVE YOU lots....God Loves you, you're family loves you...you have love...that's all you get right now and that's all you need....EMBRACE IT