2012

I haven’t visited this space in many, many moons…almost a year and BOY what a year it’s been….


2012…

I graduated with my bachelors

I turned 40!

I threw myself a freaking party – people came!!

I lost a faux friend

I gained about 10 new genuine people!!!!

I started working towards my life goal…the one that makes me smile, the one that uses my knowledge of business and the creativity that lives inside of me!


So blessed I am finally able to earn my certificate in fashion design & merchandising…so blessed, that I have the time to dedicate to this program, I finished my first semester Wednesday and I’m freaking OVERJOYED & THANKFUL! I’ve eyed this program for the last 6 years, BLESSED! That I can now join it and finish it, it’s WORK. Harder than obtaining my bachelors, I’m not patient nor a great seamstress, but that’s ok…I know I have other talents and just because I’m not the best at these things, I know that my business will still thrive with me at the helm and the knowledge, contacts and skills that I’m learning!!! This honestly is the thing that keeps me going…darkness has been a theme in my life this year, along with my recurring themes dealing with men…my archenemies and my biggest personal challenge.

I am addicted to men, to love, to trying to be loved, to affection. I’m codependent, I stay in situations that are serving no purpose for me and as I read some blog posts that I’ve submitted to the world, I realize that this is my biggest hurdle…one that I am committing to fixing…I’ve grown a little in this area, I’ve given the boot to two men this year citing the fact that they weren’t serving my life in the manner that I needed and as such, they needed to go…feeling pretty cool about that…

My ex helped me get over my recent heartbreak, but I’ve got to get him back out and at arms length, he’s not one I can lean on, currently there is no one for me to lean on but me…I hurt by that knowledge, this is my hurdle, this is my 41st years goal, my 2013 thing to overcome…not to have some man to lean on, but that I know I’m strong enough to lean on myself and a man is not my captain, I’m my own captain…I can only save myself!!!

But for 2012 all I can say is this freaking year has been one that is worth about 1,000,000,000 gold stars!!!! Regardless of my man issues, I, ME, I, ME!!!! I!I!I!I! have accomplished so much, I’m stronger than I give myself credit for…and even though there is not one man in my life currently that I can call if I’m on the side of the road stranded, I know that my sister and my BFF will be there…I guess I’m gonna learn to lean on those broads more, cause I’m kicking all those addictions to the curb, unhealthy relationships won’t be mine in 2013..this I KNOW!!!

2013, I’m ready to meet you…TK I’m ready to see you grow, you are learning and growing, so I know that the future will be more of the same and the lessons will finally start to STICK!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! See ya in 2013…

over reacting

so I was told I over react. Hmmmm I'm feeling some kind of way about that because I think she was trying to throw shade...I can't get all emotional about it. is being emotional about a situation the same as over reacting? cause if that's the case, then maybe...

scattered

so again i'm nervous that what i want and what i did meet...i thought i gave this away, it's not a testement of faith, but that pit in the bottom of my stomach when the thought creeps...it's 4 hours before the alarm will sound and i'm UP!

my mind is scattered that's why things are getting to me as they are. i must settle my whole entire freaking world...i'm a MESS and not only because of the self sabatoge, but other things that are not as they should be...i need to get on track, school, work, sewing :D

saving is my focus of the right now, i've taken lunch every day for the last 2 week +...i'm getting it in...only .6 worth this week, but man oh man i have all week to do it again :D

just totally cheered myself up :D gonna go to bed after a period of meditation and prayer...being thankful for what i have acheived in the last 2+ weeks and the focus on the more i can do and will soon be doing as second nature...MORE means alot...more taking care of business, more school focus, more over all focus, more taking care of business...MORE...you know TK

going to bed now, to dream of that which i want and the path to getting it...business, financial, savings, house, man with .......********** everthing that God brings to me that's my biggest want! just cause i want doesn't mean i'm demanding, we have to want to get, to know how to achieve to have a focus, we want jobs, we want life...<<<~~~~not too sure what took me to the left (white guilt? , lmao) silly...

goodnight

a can of worms

Too many thoughts running through my brain…

My class needs my attention, but I’m spending my last day off feeling kinda craptacutlar from a sinus something or other, I don’t know but it’s in my head and I’m feeling kinda sneezy also, so I’m assuming it’s a sinus something, I was drunk off my rocker last night, but I did put in some class time yesterday …and other than that I’ve been budded…so I guess I’m numbing my feelings…I feel like shit, so I’m trying to not feel like shit…hahaaa any excuse will do…

So last night I went and had some dinner with Big D (my choice! thanks for those lemon pepper wings, yum, I wish I could make them) so D asks me to have a baby…sooooo yes, this was pillow talk but I do think on some level he does want us to have a baby and me on some level might want one despite the fact that a) I never wanted to be a baby mama, b) I never wanted to be a single parent (and trust, after everything, that’s what I’d be, there is no me & him in our future)…and sometimes I dang near never wanted a kid…my dream house has every room accounted for and a nursery was never there… but as I sit on the countdown of my 38^th birthday, I think maybe I should have a kid, maybe I actually want one…

I think we could effectively co-parent not in the same household, we have co-parented before and we are pretty good at it, we value a lot of the same things and we want the same things for the children. I know that he would try and see the child, If plan b works, it wouldn’t be a problem, for the most part he is a good influence on a child, but I’m me and I while not diminishing him as a person would not let him be the child’s end all be all

So you know I’m me and well I’ve had a trillion thoughts about things and of course how I’ve planned my home buying and included Big D to be a nearby source because what if HE lived on the other side of my duplex?? I mean, in less than 24 hours I’ve gone to infinity and beyond…and all the while not knowing if I want to have a baby…

So let the thinking begin…I don’t even know if Big D would be amenable to not being together, if he would get on board with any of my ideas..but I do have them and I think they are valid, and while I determine if I want to have a child I will keep them to myself…

5 Star Chick....

Ha Ha, went out tonight and the DJ had a hype man….what the heck? It was hilarious…so the hype man did this chant on the mic talking about 5 star “…” so now it’s 5 Star TK!!!

Well my class begins on Tuesday, I hadn’t realized…my room is a MESS clothes everywhere, some mail that’s sorted to be filed, some that needs to be taken care of and some to be shredded….so I need to do laundry & get my paperwork together….

So I guess I won’t be hitting the town for a while, too much work needing to be done…

5 Star TK OUT!!!

Random

So I really more than anything am just testing this out. Am I able to post from my phone...I thought I could but I guess I'll have to check on that app. Can I log into other computers and what is that darn new password...so I'm at work and I'm able to log in....

So later, I will upload a picture and look for the app...

HAVE A GREAT DAY...for all the readers, I don't have....LOL!