EXCUSES, EXCUSES...quitting on me?

I’m freaking on edge and I haven’t been doing NOTHING!! It’s a freaking shame even though I’ve been distracting myself I haven’t done anything cause I don’t know where to start…I’m a MESS

There is NOTHING I want to do, not handle my business, work, sleep, workout, see people, NOTHING...I can’t go there…I’m getting back on the get back tomorrow!!!

Saturday, work in the day…so my after work, first thing to do is the gym…Sunday, I am going to church…work later...I got this, but what if I don’t go to the gym or do any homework? What do I tell myself then? Well it’s 10:23 and today’s a wrap, so I should go to bed in the next 90 minutes, I will issue the distraction, but be sleep by midnight…Not perfect with the time, but better than today...Gotta go, goodnight

hope

I hope that I am able to buy a home with 3 bedrooms and a dining room...along with master bath....I hope that this home costs no more than $800/mo inc taxes and insurance....this is my hope for my future, I hope that this happens SOON!!!

Watching house hunters....hoping, wishing, dreaming, waiting

I wouldn't mind living in a southern state with mild weather and owning a home of that size...New Mexico would be ok too, do you hear that HGTV???

Well in the real world of now, I believe that I've no worries from the class I just finished and the new one started today. I added my intro & tomorrow I'm in the resource center getting my paperwork together to begin this class...
I might only work the afternoon on Saturday depending on what it's looking like. He has given excel aids and a list of formulas so I'll probably need the extra help...

Well it's 5 weeks, and I rested up today, I didn't hit the gym but I'm nearly done with my laundry...I am in good shape beginning the week and I switched so I'm working swing tomorrow....late start will do me well to hit the gym first and foremost, I have a schedule that needs to be kept, I've got homeowrk to do at work and I need to have some things together.

Well I'm shutting it down..HOPEFUL as ALWAYS!!! I am addicted to HOPE!! I know that sentiment, that is me and I am thankful that my hope is backed up in Romans 8:24 is what the pastor preached from....being hopeful, for what you do not have, hopeful for progress, for forward movement I know that if I am hopeful of a positive future that it will happen as I'm working towards it the rewards and benefits and the ability and the changes will be made just becasue the hope has walked you through the right direction.....

I love the Lord and I am so happy that He loves me!!

ending Statistics part 1

Oh Boy I think if you get a D you have to retake the class….I was fluctuating between 68-70 the last two-3 weeks…who knows what the outcome will be, I like most of the class didn’t do well on the final…I will be SO FREAKING MIFFED if I have to take this class again…I hope I do not have to retake this difficult course…I gave it my all during my hours I did not add anymore hours or any travel and I could have done more going to more tutoring but I taught myself a lot just by doing all those assignments, I did what was requested.

I’m going to bed, it’s just now 11pm and I feel good that I got everything in on time and I was the team leader and I got all the paperwork together and I feel really good about that. I’m tired and stressed but I’m ready to shoot out tomorrow with a clean slate and passing the next 5 weeks along giving my all!

I am thankful!! I understand and appreciate what I am given, I NEED only one thing currently and that’s to pass this class but there is not one other thing. I am sooo BLESSED I am highly favored and I am thankful and know that I should be doing more, more giving $, time, more sharing and caring for others, I can’t only see tk and I don’t necessarily need to see a baby since I’m not married I know that’s what I want from a baby daddy, his name to be mine and my baby’s so noo I’m thinking that thought must currently be fleeting…

I am giving thanks for the sharing, caring, abundance I receive from the Father, the Son and the Holy Sprit

Goodnight

stressed to the max...

so i've been on the any excuse will do ride...just barely getting by on the statistics thing and I'm stressed...primarily because that's the situation...I've been an azz about this class kinda...and now I really don't know ish, but I gottta work HELLA hard to keep on faking it or am I learning this ish? I really don't know and I'm feeling really really sick of it....5 more weeks I can't keep up this pace...it's 10:39 currently and I'm about to have this shut down soon...face wash teeth brushed and tv off by midnight now, you know that's excellent for a girl tk...lol

I came home late out watching a movie on a Friday night...lol...I was but finishing a flick at work...and then knowing I am making a short night of it I just gave up any thought of getting any homework done....so day two out of the last 3 I haven't worked on my stats...I don't know....skrreeeecchhhh....

ok I'm over it..I've talked myself off the ledge...tonight and tomorrow night I take the nights off, tomorrow at work I'm hitting the books...Sunday night it's back to school and then it's on all day Monday...I can do this!!! 5 more weeks...I got this...there will be days off...and it's aiiighttt...

I'm so silly, maybe that's why my azz ain't been talking to anybody, I been too much in my head....I gotta get out of it, how about I take a look at my situation in 5 weeks....I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY BIRTHDAY....

GOODNIGHT, I worked that out promptly it's only 10:46pm I'm on track for sleepy time soon 5am awake tomorrow...followed by 2? parties...whew...love/hate relationship with the weekend these days....IT'S GOING TO BE AIIIGHTT...

a can of worms

Too many thoughts running through my brain…

My class needs my attention, but I’m spending my last day off feeling kinda craptacutlar from a sinus something or other, I don’t know but it’s in my head and I’m feeling kinda sneezy also, so I’m assuming it’s a sinus something, I was drunk off my rocker last night, but I did put in some class time yesterday …and other than that I’ve been budded…so I guess I’m numbing my feelings…I feel like shit, so I’m trying to not feel like shit…hahaaa any excuse will do…

So last night I went and had some dinner with Big D (my choice! thanks for those lemon pepper wings, yum, I wish I could make them) so D asks me to have a baby…sooooo yes, this was pillow talk but I do think on some level he does want us to have a baby and me on some level might want one despite the fact that a) I never wanted to be a baby mama, b) I never wanted to be a single parent (and trust, after everything, that’s what I’d be, there is no me & him in our future)…and sometimes I dang near never wanted a kid…my dream house has every room accounted for and a nursery was never there… but as I sit on the countdown of my 38^th birthday, I think maybe I should have a kid, maybe I actually want one…

I think we could effectively co-parent not in the same household, we have co-parented before and we are pretty good at it, we value a lot of the same things and we want the same things for the children. I know that he would try and see the child, If plan b works, it wouldn’t be a problem, for the most part he is a good influence on a child, but I’m me and I while not diminishing him as a person would not let him be the child’s end all be all

So you know I’m me and well I’ve had a trillion thoughts about things and of course how I’ve planned my home buying and included Big D to be a nearby source because what if HE lived on the other side of my duplex?? I mean, in less than 24 hours I’ve gone to infinity and beyond…and all the while not knowing if I want to have a baby…

So let the thinking begin…I don’t even know if Big D would be amenable to not being together, if he would get on board with any of my ideas..but I do have them and I think they are valid, and while I determine if I want to have a child I will keep them to myself…

Me! Complicated???

What about me has me being by myself??? I feel sometimes like I’m alone and I’m not, but I wish I had a friend and sometimes I feel like I’m lacking those…

So this lead to thoughts of me feeling entitled…lots of people that are as ‘neat, pretty, special, smart, cute, etc….’ as me have full lives and lots of friends and whatever, whatever….so why do I feel so entitled? Who do I think I am? I guess that’s why I’m alone more that I want to be…I know I’m judgmental too, I often form an opinion quickly without all the facts and typically that leads me to snap judgments ethical judgments and that’s not nice…so who wants to hang with that girl?

It could be that I’ve got minimal in common with most people I know…so maybe I just need more friends that have more in common with me…who knows? But it’s not like I just scream be my friend, cause I don’t like most people but I also don’t like mostly being alone, but I do like to be alone…an oxymoron in crazy, YEP that’s ME!!!

Aha Moment?!?!!!!

I was driving home from work, just rushing, I'm off my schedule working late nights but I have a TON of homework and I was up and out all night at work last night, so I just really wanted to be home after work tonight...YOu know how driving is, sometimes mindless, sometimes thought provoking...well, I was thinking a hundred miles and running tonight, I had ALOT on my mind....

So I am thinking about Big D...and then I don't know why or where it came from, but I started thinking about a birthday that I had with him...

My birthday is near, I am on COUNTDOWN! for more reasons than JUST my birthday this year...last year on my birthday I quit smoking and this year, I expect something just as life altering that's why I am taking the solo vacay...I need to have some downtime just to BE, be in myself, be with myself not even to reflect but more to RELEASE...I don't think I need to do anything to let go of what I have other than just being still for sometime with MYSELF....I need some ME TIME!!!!

I suppose my impending birthday celebration made me reflective. My mind wandered to a birthday I spent with Big D at the Atlantis in Reno, our favorite casino...cause I wanted a nice dinner with a bottle of wine and some birthday sex...but actually it took itself in a whole other direction. I totally recounted it on the way home, and I don't really care to again right now...but I remember, remember a mean person that just really can be shitty even on a mfer's birthday...I mean come on if someone can't have a great freaking birthday....GEEZE...what an azz...

So that will be the factor that focuses my mind on RELEASE...and I think that Big D is going to be invasive in my life for a little long while and I'm just going to deal with it...I'm over it, I know that mean guy, don't break yourself away from your crazy life, but guess what I have nothing to do with it...I'M ON TO THE NEXT ONE