think, think, think...

Sooooo I am putting so much stock in a man currently and I don't really like that...catching feelings for that which does not deserve is forking tiring...but then I be scared to roll after soemthing that isn't tiring, but much easier to get knocked the f&^% out and probably knock some body the f&*k out...but I know I will be more satisfied, it's like I'd rather be tired than hurt, but being tired hurts tooo so wtf?
what am I fraid of? doing it wrong? scared because I could think ahundred things that wouldn't be perfect, but nothing is perfect, one is what i'm used to what i know? the other is walking out on a limb that i never seen the likes of...that's the fear but in reality it's just man women shit, so why am i sooo fucking afraid of it?
idk, I gotta go get my mind off this right now...and just remember that...#1 is gonna be number zero...i must not go to the physical of soemthing that's not working...it would be the same as the situation in January...but this time it's something that I move from because it ain't right, not cause of self preservation or FEAR! actually not or but I moved away because of FEAR!
I'm going to stop being afraid...I'm going to start praying harder, so that I can be assured...so that what is for me will be right....
goodnight...

self sabatoge

back at it again...been doing this all weekend!! I need to get my sexy back, my confidence back, my ME back!!!

I haven't been training or dieting, I've been putting myself in crazy man situations...I am kicking all men to tha curb, but what if my tryst shouldn't be kicked...my current lack of confidence makes me self preserve and not even go for something that i've been thinking about for a while...where's the logic?

and I been sucking on school too!!!!

I gotta get back on track, I don't know what has me acting all kinds of slackerish and loserish...but I gotta get it back!!!

HELP!!!

gotta stop letting the hormones affect me

sooooo....I been on one, had a lot of penis in my face (for lack of a better phrase, that's for the homie DDub, lol)..
so of course those girl hormones get to going with thoughts of grandeur in one direction or another and then I slow down with everyone...maybe I become not as open, but regular...with Big D of course we flat out argue, but that's to be expected

so seeing as this is the new year, my first thought was the same...kick out the old, the Big D and keep a friend...

I can't be all these people's number 2, 3 or 4 I only need to be one somebodies number 1 and only...that's flat out the bottom line, I'm not selling myself short for it...if you can't committ I gotta acquit! LMAO

ok, it's late morning i worked all night and now I'm going to sleep, I need to log 45 minutes later and I gotta get ready for the workweek get gas, groceries and whatnot!! on my grind for the vacay!!!!

self sabatoge

my impatience and maybe a little self pity allowed me to do something i really regret...not because of the act, or the person, but because of what else i want...i want something more and something better but i cheapened it for the right now, that gave no inkling or resemblance of the want...it was something but it wasn't comfort...
i have a hard time slowing down, i want things in my time, but i can't always have it in my time...I know that the behaviour i exhibited can affect my want for more, more might not want that impatient girl...so i must become patient and always work towards the wants not the right nows....right nows are many, wants are few and far between...
thankful that i can see the lesson, it's done, the consequences may come, but i pray they do not...I know that won't happen again...patience for the future is where my mind will stay

*** in much better news, the first Monday of the New Year had me see the gym and an evening short wii workout!!! ***

EXCUSES, EXCUSES...quitting on me?

I’m freaking on edge and I haven’t been doing NOTHING!! It’s a freaking shame even though I’ve been distracting myself I haven’t done anything cause I don’t know where to start…I’m a MESS

There is NOTHING I want to do, not handle my business, work, sleep, workout, see people, NOTHING...I can’t go there…I’m getting back on the get back tomorrow!!!

Saturday, work in the day…so my after work, first thing to do is the gym…Sunday, I am going to church…work later...I got this, but what if I don’t go to the gym or do any homework? What do I tell myself then? Well it’s 10:23 and today’s a wrap, so I should go to bed in the next 90 minutes, I will issue the distraction, but be sleep by midnight…Not perfect with the time, but better than today...Gotta go, goodnight

ending Statistics part 1

Oh Boy I think if you get a D you have to retake the class….I was fluctuating between 68-70 the last two-3 weeks…who knows what the outcome will be, I like most of the class didn’t do well on the final…I will be SO FREAKING MIFFED if I have to take this class again…I hope I do not have to retake this difficult course…I gave it my all during my hours I did not add anymore hours or any travel and I could have done more going to more tutoring but I taught myself a lot just by doing all those assignments, I did what was requested.

I’m going to bed, it’s just now 11pm and I feel good that I got everything in on time and I was the team leader and I got all the paperwork together and I feel really good about that. I’m tired and stressed but I’m ready to shoot out tomorrow with a clean slate and passing the next 5 weeks along giving my all!

I am thankful!! I understand and appreciate what I am given, I NEED only one thing currently and that’s to pass this class but there is not one other thing. I am sooo BLESSED I am highly favored and I am thankful and know that I should be doing more, more giving $, time, more sharing and caring for others, I can’t only see tk and I don’t necessarily need to see a baby since I’m not married I know that’s what I want from a baby daddy, his name to be mine and my baby’s so noo I’m thinking that thought must currently be fleeting…

I am giving thanks for the sharing, caring, abundance I receive from the Father, the Son and the Holy Sprit

Goodnight

stressed to the max...

so i've been on the any excuse will do ride...just barely getting by on the statistics thing and I'm stressed...primarily because that's the situation...I've been an azz about this class kinda...and now I really don't know ish, but I gottta work HELLA hard to keep on faking it or am I learning this ish? I really don't know and I'm feeling really really sick of it....5 more weeks I can't keep up this pace...it's 10:39 currently and I'm about to have this shut down soon...face wash teeth brushed and tv off by midnight now, you know that's excellent for a girl tk...lol

I came home late out watching a movie on a Friday night...lol...I was but finishing a flick at work...and then knowing I am making a short night of it I just gave up any thought of getting any homework done....so day two out of the last 3 I haven't worked on my stats...I don't know....skrreeeecchhhh....

ok I'm over it..I've talked myself off the ledge...tonight and tomorrow night I take the nights off, tomorrow at work I'm hitting the books...Sunday night it's back to school and then it's on all day Monday...I can do this!!! 5 more weeks...I got this...there will be days off...and it's aiiighttt...

I'm so silly, maybe that's why my azz ain't been talking to anybody, I been too much in my head....I gotta get out of it, how about I take a look at my situation in 5 weeks....I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY BIRTHDAY....

GOODNIGHT, I worked that out promptly it's only 10:46pm I'm on track for sleepy time soon 5am awake tomorrow...followed by 2? parties...whew...love/hate relationship with the weekend these days....IT'S GOING TO BE AIIIGHTT...

a can of worms

Too many thoughts running through my brain…

My class needs my attention, but I’m spending my last day off feeling kinda craptacutlar from a sinus something or other, I don’t know but it’s in my head and I’m feeling kinda sneezy also, so I’m assuming it’s a sinus something, I was drunk off my rocker last night, but I did put in some class time yesterday …and other than that I’ve been budded…so I guess I’m numbing my feelings…I feel like shit, so I’m trying to not feel like shit…hahaaa any excuse will do…

So last night I went and had some dinner with Big D (my choice! thanks for those lemon pepper wings, yum, I wish I could make them) so D asks me to have a baby…sooooo yes, this was pillow talk but I do think on some level he does want us to have a baby and me on some level might want one despite the fact that a) I never wanted to be a baby mama, b) I never wanted to be a single parent (and trust, after everything, that’s what I’d be, there is no me & him in our future)…and sometimes I dang near never wanted a kid…my dream house has every room accounted for and a nursery was never there… but as I sit on the countdown of my 38^th birthday, I think maybe I should have a kid, maybe I actually want one…

I think we could effectively co-parent not in the same household, we have co-parented before and we are pretty good at it, we value a lot of the same things and we want the same things for the children. I know that he would try and see the child, If plan b works, it wouldn’t be a problem, for the most part he is a good influence on a child, but I’m me and I while not diminishing him as a person would not let him be the child’s end all be all

So you know I’m me and well I’ve had a trillion thoughts about things and of course how I’ve planned my home buying and included Big D to be a nearby source because what if HE lived on the other side of my duplex?? I mean, in less than 24 hours I’ve gone to infinity and beyond…and all the while not knowing if I want to have a baby…

So let the thinking begin…I don’t even know if Big D would be amenable to not being together, if he would get on board with any of my ideas..but I do have them and I think they are valid, and while I determine if I want to have a child I will keep them to myself…

Me! Complicated???

What about me has me being by myself??? I feel sometimes like I’m alone and I’m not, but I wish I had a friend and sometimes I feel like I’m lacking those…

So this lead to thoughts of me feeling entitled…lots of people that are as ‘neat, pretty, special, smart, cute, etc….’ as me have full lives and lots of friends and whatever, whatever….so why do I feel so entitled? Who do I think I am? I guess that’s why I’m alone more that I want to be…I know I’m judgmental too, I often form an opinion quickly without all the facts and typically that leads me to snap judgments ethical judgments and that’s not nice…so who wants to hang with that girl?

It could be that I’ve got minimal in common with most people I know…so maybe I just need more friends that have more in common with me…who knows? But it’s not like I just scream be my friend, cause I don’t like most people but I also don’t like mostly being alone, but I do like to be alone…an oxymoron in crazy, YEP that’s ME!!!

Today I feel...

Today I worked out and I’m happy that I hit all my dieting goals, even though, I’m a little worried cause I’m WAY under calories and I hope that don’t come to bite me when I get hungry.

I guess just still thinking and all of the residual stuff and maybe school stress had me a little bit off my game today. A little bit bitchy…

I feel like fear is holding me back like I really don’t know which way to go… will I make a wrong move? That’s my fear, will I make a wrong move…

I know what is right, and that’s leaving the past behind…Big D is gone for many good reasons so I don’t fear that decision…

Now if only I can make more decisions with such abandon…especially the decision to jump on a man… I think different about it all the time, but that’s because I’m afraid of many aspects…I also think that moving slow is not hurting anybody…so I’ll just chill… I guess I should let go of the fantasy a bit…LOL