2012

I haven’t visited this space in many, many moons…almost a year and BOY what a year it’s been….


2012…

I graduated with my bachelors

I turned 40!

I threw myself a freaking party – people came!!

I lost a faux friend

I gained about 10 new genuine people!!!!

I started working towards my life goal…the one that makes me smile, the one that uses my knowledge of business and the creativity that lives inside of me!


So blessed I am finally able to earn my certificate in fashion design & merchandising…so blessed, that I have the time to dedicate to this program, I finished my first semester Wednesday and I’m freaking OVERJOYED & THANKFUL! I’ve eyed this program for the last 6 years, BLESSED! That I can now join it and finish it, it’s WORK. Harder than obtaining my bachelors, I’m not patient nor a great seamstress, but that’s ok…I know I have other talents and just because I’m not the best at these things, I know that my business will still thrive with me at the helm and the knowledge, contacts and skills that I’m learning!!! This honestly is the thing that keeps me going…darkness has been a theme in my life this year, along with my recurring themes dealing with men…my archenemies and my biggest personal challenge.

I am addicted to men, to love, to trying to be loved, to affection. I’m codependent, I stay in situations that are serving no purpose for me and as I read some blog posts that I’ve submitted to the world, I realize that this is my biggest hurdle…one that I am committing to fixing…I’ve grown a little in this area, I’ve given the boot to two men this year citing the fact that they weren’t serving my life in the manner that I needed and as such, they needed to go…feeling pretty cool about that…

My ex helped me get over my recent heartbreak, but I’ve got to get him back out and at arms length, he’s not one I can lean on, currently there is no one for me to lean on but me…I hurt by that knowledge, this is my hurdle, this is my 41st years goal, my 2013 thing to overcome…not to have some man to lean on, but that I know I’m strong enough to lean on myself and a man is not my captain, I’m my own captain…I can only save myself!!!

But for 2012 all I can say is this freaking year has been one that is worth about 1,000,000,000 gold stars!!!! Regardless of my man issues, I, ME, I, ME!!!! I!I!I!I! have accomplished so much, I’m stronger than I give myself credit for…and even though there is not one man in my life currently that I can call if I’m on the side of the road stranded, I know that my sister and my BFF will be there…I guess I’m gonna learn to lean on those broads more, cause I’m kicking all those addictions to the curb, unhealthy relationships won’t be mine in 2013..this I KNOW!!!

2013, I’m ready to meet you…TK I’m ready to see you grow, you are learning and growing, so I know that the future will be more of the same and the lessons will finally start to STICK!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! See ya in 2013…

back on track, challenges, new directions

so i'm working it out on point...exercising often and i'm HAPPY!!!

someone wanted to challenge me today at work, but no i'm not having it! walked away, said a prayer, cooled down and didn't let it get to me. but i did have to advise my sup it's time for him to make a move...i think he's very passive and doesn't want to get into stuff, but i really believe he starts mess...he don't like me and he's passive and scary...so idk, but i'm not letting it worry me...i prayed, and stayed outta the drama...did i mention i'm HAPPY!!!!

I'm thinking about doing something different...not sure the direction i will be taking, but it's going to be something interesting...I hope it helps propel my future business....I'm sure it will, i just must make it happen...but i also know i'm spread really thin right now, so i gotta chill, plot and plan

I am HAPPY!!! I have goals, and I must make them happen...I must keep prayerful and make sure I'm following the Lord's path and continue to ask for guidance and listen for the directions...tomorrow i'm going to weigh, haven't done that in 3 weeks, nervous, but I know I will have positive results!!

Goodnight world, the babbler is sleepy

self sabatoge

my impatience and maybe a little self pity allowed me to do something i really regret...not because of the act, or the person, but because of what else i want...i want something more and something better but i cheapened it for the right now, that gave no inkling or resemblance of the want...it was something but it wasn't comfort...
i have a hard time slowing down, i want things in my time, but i can't always have it in my time...I know that the behaviour i exhibited can affect my want for more, more might not want that impatient girl...so i must become patient and always work towards the wants not the right nows....right nows are many, wants are few and far between...
thankful that i can see the lesson, it's done, the consequences may come, but i pray they do not...I know that won't happen again...patience for the future is where my mind will stay

*** in much better news, the first Monday of the New Year had me see the gym and an evening short wii workout!!! ***

what''s wrong BooBoo???

Thursday December 23, 2010

Hello…I’m Ms. TL and I’m feeling some kind a way…Haven’t been blogging and my life has dipped and dogged, nothing too exciting or too mundane. I lost a buddy from work, and gained some flirtatious fun, spent too much money, lost weight and gained weight, I need some big dolla’s for some must have’s and not to mention pay off all these dayum credit card charges…moving back and forth, back and forth…it can really muss up a plan…but it happens, ready to rebound...

I have a list of need to do’s and the most pressing involve money (of course) …I haven’t been accomplishing anything, just moving the end of the semester sucked, well I think I fell apart about thanksgiving, so maybe I should be too hard on myself, I been off track for a month (not to mention, I was trying to add to my list of lovah’s…it didn’t happen, and today I’m kinda glad for it…but that’s somethoughts for some other time) a month is not forever, but it’s a long time…it might be over a month since I last was in the gym, I’m thinking 6-8 weeks…eekkk!!!!

Ok Ms TL maybe just needed to get this off of her chest, cause now I feel really good so, I must DO! I got chores up the ying yang.

OK, I’m up and going, I’m probably not going to work tomorrow, I’m going to clean up this place and make some calls that I need to make, take care of some chores that I been neglecting.

participating in this race

I'm in it, the rat race I'm a willing participant putting my all forward and I'd like to win or place so high that people know me...It begins inside, embracing me ~ that's what I'm learning, regardless of what anyone might have or anything; they deserve it and so do I, it will come to me when I am ready for it....
I'm thankful for the Memorial Day I just spent, actually this weekend was really good, I worked the graveyard so I got to spend my weekend with my peeps....so blessed and I'm thankful for my blessings.
I've a busy weekend planned. I want to get this room together and go buy a vaccum...I have plans for lunch and I wanted to get my hair dyed if we can get together before I gotta get back to work...
Been to the gym 4 of the last 5 days and that's what I'm talking about...gotta get it, I'm back on food and I'm going to make something vegetarian for myself for this week, I ate meat this weekend, but I was mindful and dind't overindulge tooo much, I'm trying to keep a under my daily calories and gradually move up and I think I'm doing that...
RIP to my Grandpa a retired Air Force Man...thankful for your service and today we honor you and those like you, I miss you and love you...
goodnight, heading to rest in a mindful, thankful, happier, most embracing of self, situation...embrace the positive!

truly moving forward

even though I'm not the number one hoarder of the house, I am still a hoarder. So today I really talked to myself about myself and I'm trying to get rid of stuff. I think it's going to be alot less and every day offers a chance for improvement.
Moving brought emotions. I found the video camera me and Big D had gotten into an argument about it and of course he wants it. Even though I paid it all off, and I'm always the one called selfish, but you know what I really don't care about it, I got a Flip for x-mas and don't want that, but I'd perfer that becasue it's electronic. So yes Big D keep it and I gave you an apology about an argument we got into over 2 years ago, I hope it serves you well, I hope it releases you from something.
But in me finding the camera I feel mostly sad, just becasue that was my life and it's not any longer and there's nothing close to it in my life and that's sad. Plus I was sad becasue we went on a trip and had fun, even though there is a very big argument surrounding that also....but it was my family and I loved them and I thought we had fun and I miss them becasue they are not part of my life any longer. Mostly I'm moving past the old life that I've been holding on and mourning. And that's not the only old life I've been holding on to, I think I need to really get rid of all clothing that does not fit me. I am holding on to alot of stuff, but I also know when I move I'm moving on the weight loss thing pretty heavy so can I justify it through the end of the year or something?
It's time for new memories, new experiences - school is one and it's taking me somewhere, sewing and design also...my life is moving forward and I am trying to minimize my mourning...one good thing about living with a buncha folks you can't cry in your soup for too long by yourself, so I'm off to do some homework with the neicipoo and nephew and get ready for some dinner, I'm starving and I was good until I thought my stomach was eating itself and then I kinda went off track, but still not too bad, I might track it... alot is going on to be really counting and whatnot, but I also know I have been really conciensious and I brought my lunch to work and I will continue to do that this week also.

Glad I got it off my chest real quick and I'm moving past it. feeling kinda better.

Sunday, April 18

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me....

Today is my birthday and it's afternoon, I had a great fun night last night....till I was dead on my feet and ready to come home...but whatevs, it's over I made it home and I woke early but couldn't make it outta bed...my head is killing part allergies part hangover....but it's my birthday....

I love celebrating my birthday and I want to make a commitment to me and my next year of life...

I'm blessed and thankful for the ability to see today and celebrate a birthday. Thank you Lord

I can't wait to take this trip for solitude and reflection and rejuvenation...I have determined that I am CHARGING full steam ahead in all my endeavors...I've got places to go people to see a business to start a house to buy and a degree to finish!!!!

a can of worms

Too many thoughts running through my brain…

My class needs my attention, but I’m spending my last day off feeling kinda craptacutlar from a sinus something or other, I don’t know but it’s in my head and I’m feeling kinda sneezy also, so I’m assuming it’s a sinus something, I was drunk off my rocker last night, but I did put in some class time yesterday …and other than that I’ve been budded…so I guess I’m numbing my feelings…I feel like shit, so I’m trying to not feel like shit…hahaaa any excuse will do…

So last night I went and had some dinner with Big D (my choice! thanks for those lemon pepper wings, yum, I wish I could make them) so D asks me to have a baby…sooooo yes, this was pillow talk but I do think on some level he does want us to have a baby and me on some level might want one despite the fact that a) I never wanted to be a baby mama, b) I never wanted to be a single parent (and trust, after everything, that’s what I’d be, there is no me & him in our future)…and sometimes I dang near never wanted a kid…my dream house has every room accounted for and a nursery was never there… but as I sit on the countdown of my 38^th birthday, I think maybe I should have a kid, maybe I actually want one…

I think we could effectively co-parent not in the same household, we have co-parented before and we are pretty good at it, we value a lot of the same things and we want the same things for the children. I know that he would try and see the child, If plan b works, it wouldn’t be a problem, for the most part he is a good influence on a child, but I’m me and I while not diminishing him as a person would not let him be the child’s end all be all

So you know I’m me and well I’ve had a trillion thoughts about things and of course how I’ve planned my home buying and included Big D to be a nearby source because what if HE lived on the other side of my duplex?? I mean, in less than 24 hours I’ve gone to infinity and beyond…and all the while not knowing if I want to have a baby…

So let the thinking begin…I don’t even know if Big D would be amenable to not being together, if he would get on board with any of my ideas..but I do have them and I think they are valid, and while I determine if I want to have a child I will keep them to myself…

Talking out the crazies...

Busy night, I worked on a bunch of homework….I did hit the gym today I wonder if my little alarm clock is going to work for me tomorrow…I think she might be a little hot at me right now…It’s just after 11 and I got to do my goodnight stuff…

Well today I’m not moody like yesterday. Today I was just goofy and hella talkative. I was at work crazy, talking about business models and whatnot, just chatter, chatter, chatter…

Thankfully people are nice to me….I think they all know I’m just regular crazy….not all the way crazy….

I’m going to bed…this is what I need to work on the most my bedtime, I just don’t see how it can change considering when I get home and homework and whatnot….oh the best thing….I just got myself off for the Superbowl…so I hadn’t been planning that nor anticipating it so I’m sooooo happy to have gotten the hook up!!!

So Monday I will be sewing, sewing, sewing….I want to get my bag started and finished… I’m crossing my fingers for a happy and easy project that I can make magnificent… ..maybe I’m break out the instructions again and the sewing guide…LOL…goodnight

Today I feel...

Today I worked out and I’m happy that I hit all my dieting goals, even though, I’m a little worried cause I’m WAY under calories and I hope that don’t come to bite me when I get hungry.

I guess just still thinking and all of the residual stuff and maybe school stress had me a little bit off my game today. A little bit bitchy…

I feel like fear is holding me back like I really don’t know which way to go… will I make a wrong move? That’s my fear, will I make a wrong move…

I know what is right, and that’s leaving the past behind…Big D is gone for many good reasons so I don’t fear that decision…

Now if only I can make more decisions with such abandon…especially the decision to jump on a man… I think different about it all the time, but that’s because I’m afraid of many aspects…I also think that moving slow is not hurting anybody…so I’ll just chill… I guess I should let go of the fantasy a bit…LOL