what''s wrong BooBoo???

Thursday December 23, 2010

Hello…I’m Ms. TL and I’m feeling some kind a way…Haven’t been blogging and my life has dipped and dogged, nothing too exciting or too mundane. I lost a buddy from work, and gained some flirtatious fun, spent too much money, lost weight and gained weight, I need some big dolla’s for some must have’s and not to mention pay off all these dayum credit card charges…moving back and forth, back and forth…it can really muss up a plan…but it happens, ready to rebound...

I have a list of need to do’s and the most pressing involve money (of course) …I haven’t been accomplishing anything, just moving the end of the semester sucked, well I think I fell apart about thanksgiving, so maybe I should be too hard on myself, I been off track for a month (not to mention, I was trying to add to my list of lovah’s…it didn’t happen, and today I’m kinda glad for it…but that’s somethoughts for some other time) a month is not forever, but it’s a long time…it might be over a month since I last was in the gym, I’m thinking 6-8 weeks…eekkk!!!!

Ok Ms TL maybe just needed to get this off of her chest, cause now I feel really good so, I must DO! I got chores up the ying yang.

OK, I’m up and going, I’m probably not going to work tomorrow, I’m going to clean up this place and make some calls that I need to make, take care of some chores that I been neglecting.

a day off

Today I had a day off, I was going to go keep a friend calm at the hospital while her kid had some surgery, but the location changed and I didn't think I was still needed....I got some good rest instead...I ran some errands and been doing some early Christmas sewing for work...nothing exciting, just some stockings that I'd seamed up...they were cut and unfortunately glued together, but I still was able to seam them up and put a little fabric on to make some cuffs, I'm almost done, about 4 more togo...

so this day off has been pretty uneventful...my room is clean, I did that on Sunday night, but I need to do some laundry...I'm on my way to hit the gym...I MUST start getting in some more regular exercise in...last week I flaked on it, but this week I'm determined to get some exercise in 4 days a week...so right now, at 9pm on a Monday night I must hit the gym...I have many miles to travel....

I'm working hard on doing what I say I'm going to do...I do a pretty good job of doing what I say I will do for others, but things I tell myself...I do not follow through with, specifically working out! I must get prepared for this marathon, that I'd like to complete for breast cancer...

back with connections

Well I was given a new laptop!!! YAY & THANKS!!!!

So I haven't been blogging, cause I didn't want my info compromised...I'm trying to be real secretive with this whole my online big azz mouth...twitter ain't cutting it...my fake name is well known...

well...alots been brewing, I actually don't know how long it might take me to get back into the stream of writing or where I might begin...

I'll think on it, but I'm sure I'll have something to say again soon

two weeks later, still distracted

I'm still partaking in my same distraction...I was about a week from not participating, but then I went back...going back is a situation that I been repeating...just goofy, I know...
I cooked today, boy did I cook, feeling kinda domesticated been talking to a man that I been wanting to talk to for a minute...it would be nice to cook for a man like i did today, when i woke up I cooked a great breakfast and then crawled back into bed, woulda been so nice tohave someone to crawl in with...but it is what is it...
i haven't been working on my self for one lick and i must get to that...that's dumb not to...so if i stop with number one then i will definately complete number two...so since one is impeding two, two must be one and one must go...
goodnight!

distracted

I'm sooo distracted lately...like I don't know what to focus on...I can say I am keeping up with school. I'm on week 4 at my school and week 3 at the cc
I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm irritable, I'm irritating, I'm lonely, I'm an asshole, I haven't been to the gym...I'm extremely happy, I'm blessed beyond belief, I'm loved
that's my whole thing right now, I'm scattered all over the place...but today I'm going to focus that school is going well...the house hunt...now that is who knows? I think part of my distraction is coming from not wanting to think about the house hunt when a house is all I've thought about for soooo long it was close and then it was far, I haven't talked to anyone re a house in over 2 months...I feel discouraged but I should just get the black and white of the situation....
maybe I should just make a list and take care of what I need tooo I gotta stop being distracted
I MUST get my focus on my fitness...my whole life needs it...
goodnight love you

participating in this race

I'm in it, the rat race I'm a willing participant putting my all forward and I'd like to win or place so high that people know me...It begins inside, embracing me ~ that's what I'm learning, regardless of what anyone might have or anything; they deserve it and so do I, it will come to me when I am ready for it....
I'm thankful for the Memorial Day I just spent, actually this weekend was really good, I worked the graveyard so I got to spend my weekend with my peeps....so blessed and I'm thankful for my blessings.
I've a busy weekend planned. I want to get this room together and go buy a vaccum...I have plans for lunch and I wanted to get my hair dyed if we can get together before I gotta get back to work...
Been to the gym 4 of the last 5 days and that's what I'm talking about...gotta get it, I'm back on food and I'm going to make something vegetarian for myself for this week, I ate meat this weekend, but I was mindful and dind't overindulge tooo much, I'm trying to keep a under my daily calories and gradually move up and I think I'm doing that...
RIP to my Grandpa a retired Air Force Man...thankful for your service and today we honor you and those like you, I miss you and love you...
goodnight, heading to rest in a mindful, thankful, happier, most embracing of self, situation...embrace the positive!

still going...

today I was discouraged....I wanted to quit, and I actually might make tomorrow my last day...this is HARD and not only that but I want to have a drink on Friday night at the SATC party with the girls, and I can't do that on lemonade alone, fruits and veggies YES, lemonade NO! I wanna do that, but geeze I wanna finish - today is day 7 and I won't be done til Thursday so that means that I can eat fruit and veggies on Sunday and geeze because of other things in my life, I wanna quti...but I don't want to be a quitter...

Delima, delima...that's what I'm facing...

I will awaken and decide...

cleansing, understanding

it really hit me in the face that everything you've been through does shape you. it's not baggage, it's your steppping stone. it's shaped you for better or for worse so now I have to learn how to use that step to the best place for all of your feelings and emotions...cryptic and probably not very clear, but it's all I got right now.

I denied my sis a chore...I'm tired, I've been cleansing and I'm on day 4. I switched shifts and tomorrow I'm able to sleep in and I'm taking the opportunity. sorry I had to and I hope my selfishness doesn't cause you too much grief.

day 4 of cleansing is ok. I think I got a little emotional earlier. mean customers and big D might have gotten to me a little. I'm glad it was over and out quickly. I denied big D my business today (even though I don't have any LOL) and he says he gets it, I hope he does.

cleansing has been ok, I'm working it out I can't believe it's been 4 days of me having the same thing everyday and it's just one thing and it's perfectly made and I'm over it...tomorrow is day 5, it'll be downhill from there and for that I am soooo THANKFUL!!!!!

I'm feeling a little fearful, but I'm trying not to let it get in my world. I have to keep prayerful.

goodnight day 4 of the cleanse tomorrow is the halfway point! I know I'm going to keep up my lifestyle choices after this, this was hard...tomorrow starts the gym.

I need to embrace it

What is it?? it is being single....

I embraced it when I was painfully raw from my break up, then I started getting over it, and now I just need to embrace it. Obviously I'm not going to be with anyone for some time, so I gotta get on the good foot...it happens when you aren't looking, it's not yours to make, let God bring someone in your life....

I hear them and on some level I believe it, but seriously - I GOTTA EMBRACE IT....you're single...and until your husband is revealed you obviously need to be...

Today I'm over homeboy I gave my number to last month that never called but still flirts with me endlessly. I try & keep it even, I guess I just have to embrace, that I'm single, nothing moving there....so keep it even, no more flirting (I mean, why for?), so I guess homeboy is busy or otherwise engaged, so I ain't even thinking anything is happening there...

Big D...that Ninja went to the left today...asking me how much is an iPad...I say around the ballpark I think the thing is in, he says can I get him one...that throws no bells cause he's forever acting like we're together and I'm going to get him something...but when I say it's not in the budget, homeboy comes at me talking about I'm hurt, I've done sooo much for you...WTF?...so I say homeboy I live in the present, you need to join me here....then he says I should have gotten more from you when you were here???? what kind of crazy town is this Ninja from??? I mean seriously??? get some ish from the girl you buy Nordstroms for...when I lived with you, you had attitude if I bought myself anything & today you're going there....GTFO!!!!

So I guess the real lesson of it all is, I'm single, I'm attractive, I'm single and attractive and that's OK, one day I will find the love of my life, one day I will have an active dating life, one day...so today all I can do is embrace ME & my SINGLENESS, I'm single and it's all good....the right one hasn't been revealed YET, but it will be...until then I EMBRACE IT - no more pushing, overthinking, no more planning based on NOTHING....EMBRACE you're single life, so you can be ready for your husband....

I'm deleting my plenty of fish account tooo...I mean what for????

I love you TK, I LOVE YOU lots....God Loves you, you're family loves you...you have love...that's all you get right now and that's all you need....EMBRACE IT

truly moving forward

even though I'm not the number one hoarder of the house, I am still a hoarder. So today I really talked to myself about myself and I'm trying to get rid of stuff. I think it's going to be alot less and every day offers a chance for improvement.
Moving brought emotions. I found the video camera me and Big D had gotten into an argument about it and of course he wants it. Even though I paid it all off, and I'm always the one called selfish, but you know what I really don't care about it, I got a Flip for x-mas and don't want that, but I'd perfer that becasue it's electronic. So yes Big D keep it and I gave you an apology about an argument we got into over 2 years ago, I hope it serves you well, I hope it releases you from something.
But in me finding the camera I feel mostly sad, just becasue that was my life and it's not any longer and there's nothing close to it in my life and that's sad. Plus I was sad becasue we went on a trip and had fun, even though there is a very big argument surrounding that also....but it was my family and I loved them and I thought we had fun and I miss them becasue they are not part of my life any longer. Mostly I'm moving past the old life that I've been holding on and mourning. And that's not the only old life I've been holding on to, I think I need to really get rid of all clothing that does not fit me. I am holding on to alot of stuff, but I also know when I move I'm moving on the weight loss thing pretty heavy so can I justify it through the end of the year or something?
It's time for new memories, new experiences - school is one and it's taking me somewhere, sewing and design also...my life is moving forward and I am trying to minimize my mourning...one good thing about living with a buncha folks you can't cry in your soup for too long by yourself, so I'm off to do some homework with the neicipoo and nephew and get ready for some dinner, I'm starving and I was good until I thought my stomach was eating itself and then I kinda went off track, but still not too bad, I might track it... alot is going on to be really counting and whatnot, but I also know I have been really conciensious and I brought my lunch to work and I will continue to do that this week also.

Glad I got it off my chest real quick and I'm moving past it. feeling kinda better.

Birthday Ruminations...

this was written while I was away 4/22/2010...

So I’m trying to get over big D while flirting and trying to get him places with me. So duh it’s not working.

My birthday was…I let other things get into my birthday…I don’t know why I ever told Steph it was cool to call him to hang with us, I don’t know why I ever even for a thought a second or a breath really thought he was going to come. So I’m irritated with me, I’m mad at me and I really want to back off of big D cause obviously he’s currently getting too much thoughts and that’s not good for my moving past this relationship so …ok today I told him

I gave someone my number and they haven’t used it and I’m kinda ticked cause I was fa sho they were going to use it. IRRITATED. I’m telling him to give it back! Grrrrr

So I had a relaxing week…my allergies are letting up, I drank some wine and felt good, I swam and relaxed in the hot tub and with a really nice Swedish massage & hour long facial!!!! Mmmmmm….it was a nice vacation!! I am blessed and thankful that I was able to spend this time! I really didn’t think about anything, I relaxed let the mind be free, I facebooked, no computer games though, I surfed very minimally on the iPhone…but not a lot at all…I’m typing this as I’m cleaning out my documents folder on the laptop, it’s been 3 years with us together and it needs to be cleaned up of some files and reorganized a bit, so I’m working it out, gotta get my tech fix in and be productive on my relaxing vacay…

From the relationship playbook tonight – the more we work on what we should be, the less we’ll feel the need to hide what we are. I’m working on what I should be, my best me.

I’ve lit the last fire of the vacation. I guess I’m ready to head home, but more than anything I’m more motivated to buy a house. I need to be in my own life, on my own schedule, living how I need to be. I’ve a business to start a degree to finish, some art and sewing to study, I like my own life, not my mothers or my sisters my own life. I need to live the life that motivates me.

So my birthday is a big thing for me. The goals for my life is to keep my workout momentum, get to stepping, summer is coming, you’re cute, but you could be cuter…get to steppin!!!! When I quit smoking I put off working out and eating right, a lot of it I allowed to be an excuse since quitting smoking, but today it’s time to let that go, I quit smoking over a year ago. What’s the purpose of being a fat ass non smoker? NONE! So get on it!!!

I’m moving on past Big D. I’m done; no I don’t think he will show up anywhere in support of me! No I won’t ask, no I won’t expect, no I will not entertain those thoughts, I was letting myself get sucked up, but I must not! We had been flirting pretty heavy, but guess what I’m done, he won’t get to experience all that we’ve teased the last week or so…oh well you’re bad and actually if you wasn’t always acting so damn scared to leave the forkinghouse we would have been done it..OH

Happy day and thanks for all that I was able to enjoy, thanks for the travelling grace, thanks for the ability to take the trip I am blessed beyond belief, I know that I am lucky that I have so many things in my grasp that others do not and for that I am thankful and I’m off to bed. I hope I can get up at 8 and take advantage of the gym and one last time in the pool would be a treat…I’ma try but it’s after midnight, but I’m tired…and a little drunk…goodnight – I’ll be posting from home, no internet on this trip!

I’m looking at my timed fire and thinking about the many properties I’ve seen with fireplace’s I wonder how hard it might be to make them a pretend fire that throws heat? I really have been enjoying this, I think it’s gas and it’s warming up the room one hour at a time. I would just like to turn it on and then off when I’m done. P on the list to check on when I am upgrading my new house…

Goodnight!

Sunday, April 18

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me....

Today is my birthday and it's afternoon, I had a great fun night last night....till I was dead on my feet and ready to come home...but whatevs, it's over I made it home and I woke early but couldn't make it outta bed...my head is killing part allergies part hangover....but it's my birthday....

I love celebrating my birthday and I want to make a commitment to me and my next year of life...

I'm blessed and thankful for the ability to see today and celebrate a birthday. Thank you Lord

I can't wait to take this trip for solitude and reflection and rejuvenation...I have determined that I am CHARGING full steam ahead in all my endeavors...I've got places to go people to see a business to start a house to buy and a degree to finish!!!!

another one bites the dust...

so me an a homegirl, been kinda going through it for some time. So homechick and I have been friends since middle school and on and off have been very close. So in the last 2 years, we've been relocated to closer proximately to each other. So it's cool to have someone to go out with and do new shit with and whatnot...so intially we went out a few times and I felt homechick was not acting like a grown ass woman, I did mention some of this behavior as not how I like spending my downtime. So Iwasn't judgy, but I just knew that we were not jiving on the kicking it level....my birthday two years ago, she puked in front of the club and i left that party early to take her to some boys house that she's f-ing....on her birthday we have dinner and see a show, on our way to the next party - homechick says she had passed out in her car....ooookkkkaaaayyyyy....so strike three is that at my sister's party she once again is puking in the club....
so next day she makes some sideways remarks about people that she didn't know but people that we knew and about things they were saying about her the night before....well for one, homechick, I don't carry myself in that manner and of everyone that I'm with you are the one doing this and poeple have seen you and they are welcome to say whatever they want...
so we haven't been out since and haven't spoken to each other on the phone or by text, there has been some emails and facebook chatter
last night I status update I'm cooking dinner and she says put me up a plate, I joke back, that it might only make it lunch time - she then says I'm in your town working back at my old job I'll be by for lunch...ok later after dinner is devoured there's no lunchtime leftovers soooo I tell her i'm outta lunch, but since she's in my town lets hook up for lunch....she says she'll give me a call today...well 2 hours past lunch time I've heard nothing...
So I'm thinking how I will proceed...I guess nothing...I mean we obviously aren't friends, so is there further comment necessary???

INOTHERNEWS...
I'm not sure about this dating thing....maybe I should continue to keep my focus on my forward moving life??? who knows, I'm debating....

yes you do suck at hiding

so i THOUGHT i made myself transparent....FREAKING DUR.....hmmmm, things they will be achanging....
that's why I keep it ahunned, know it and deal with it, if it's a problem for you keep it moving...

my world is changing

soooo um, I placed an ad on an an online singles website...it's free and I've been chatting with one man there...and you know tha saying that when it rains it pours well of course I got that advantage currently. Someone I work with is flirting with me and I've been flirting with him, but it appears that our flirting, might be moving into a direction of his making a move, which is what I've been waiting for cause I'm not 22 and it's my time to be a lady and let a man persue us moving forward...that's the way I am dating....well things look like something like a pimp, and I'm enjoying it!

I've been shitty on the school front, I must confess that this week I gave nothing. I have 8 more days of this course I MUST PUSH!!!

I'm soooo ready for my vacay & my birthday!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR A LITTLE SOLITITUDE!!!

EXCUSES, EXCUSES...quitting on me?

I’m freaking on edge and I haven’t been doing NOTHING!! It’s a freaking shame even though I’ve been distracting myself I haven’t done anything cause I don’t know where to start…I’m a MESS

There is NOTHING I want to do, not handle my business, work, sleep, workout, see people, NOTHING...I can’t go there…I’m getting back on the get back tomorrow!!!

Saturday, work in the day…so my after work, first thing to do is the gym…Sunday, I am going to church…work later...I got this, but what if I don’t go to the gym or do any homework? What do I tell myself then? Well it’s 10:23 and today’s a wrap, so I should go to bed in the next 90 minutes, I will issue the distraction, but be sleep by midnight…Not perfect with the time, but better than today...Gotta go, goodnight

hope

I hope that I am able to buy a home with 3 bedrooms and a dining room...along with master bath....I hope that this home costs no more than $800/mo inc taxes and insurance....this is my hope for my future, I hope that this happens SOON!!!

Watching house hunters....hoping, wishing, dreaming, waiting

I wouldn't mind living in a southern state with mild weather and owning a home of that size...New Mexico would be ok too, do you hear that HGTV???

Well in the real world of now, I believe that I've no worries from the class I just finished and the new one started today. I added my intro & tomorrow I'm in the resource center getting my paperwork together to begin this class...
I might only work the afternoon on Saturday depending on what it's looking like. He has given excel aids and a list of formulas so I'll probably need the extra help...

Well it's 5 weeks, and I rested up today, I didn't hit the gym but I'm nearly done with my laundry...I am in good shape beginning the week and I switched so I'm working swing tomorrow....late start will do me well to hit the gym first and foremost, I have a schedule that needs to be kept, I've got homeowrk to do at work and I need to have some things together.

Well I'm shutting it down..HOPEFUL as ALWAYS!!! I am addicted to HOPE!! I know that sentiment, that is me and I am thankful that my hope is backed up in Romans 8:24 is what the pastor preached from....being hopeful, for what you do not have, hopeful for progress, for forward movement I know that if I am hopeful of a positive future that it will happen as I'm working towards it the rewards and benefits and the ability and the changes will be made just becasue the hope has walked you through the right direction.....

I love the Lord and I am so happy that He loves me!!

ending Statistics part 1

Oh Boy I think if you get a D you have to retake the class….I was fluctuating between 68-70 the last two-3 weeks…who knows what the outcome will be, I like most of the class didn’t do well on the final…I will be SO FREAKING MIFFED if I have to take this class again…I hope I do not have to retake this difficult course…I gave it my all during my hours I did not add anymore hours or any travel and I could have done more going to more tutoring but I taught myself a lot just by doing all those assignments, I did what was requested.

I’m going to bed, it’s just now 11pm and I feel good that I got everything in on time and I was the team leader and I got all the paperwork together and I feel really good about that. I’m tired and stressed but I’m ready to shoot out tomorrow with a clean slate and passing the next 5 weeks along giving my all!

I am thankful!! I understand and appreciate what I am given, I NEED only one thing currently and that’s to pass this class but there is not one other thing. I am sooo BLESSED I am highly favored and I am thankful and know that I should be doing more, more giving $, time, more sharing and caring for others, I can’t only see tk and I don’t necessarily need to see a baby since I’m not married I know that’s what I want from a baby daddy, his name to be mine and my baby’s so noo I’m thinking that thought must currently be fleeting…

I am giving thanks for the sharing, caring, abundance I receive from the Father, the Son and the Holy Sprit

Goodnight

stressed to the max...

so i've been on the any excuse will do ride...just barely getting by on the statistics thing and I'm stressed...primarily because that's the situation...I've been an azz about this class kinda...and now I really don't know ish, but I gottta work HELLA hard to keep on faking it or am I learning this ish? I really don't know and I'm feeling really really sick of it....5 more weeks I can't keep up this pace...it's 10:39 currently and I'm about to have this shut down soon...face wash teeth brushed and tv off by midnight now, you know that's excellent for a girl tk...lol

I came home late out watching a movie on a Friday night...lol...I was but finishing a flick at work...and then knowing I am making a short night of it I just gave up any thought of getting any homework done....so day two out of the last 3 I haven't worked on my stats...I don't know....skrreeeecchhhh....

ok I'm over it..I've talked myself off the ledge...tonight and tomorrow night I take the nights off, tomorrow at work I'm hitting the books...Sunday night it's back to school and then it's on all day Monday...I can do this!!! 5 more weeks...I got this...there will be days off...and it's aiiighttt...

I'm so silly, maybe that's why my azz ain't been talking to anybody, I been too much in my head....I gotta get out of it, how about I take a look at my situation in 5 weeks....I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY BIRTHDAY....

GOODNIGHT, I worked that out promptly it's only 10:46pm I'm on track for sleepy time soon 5am awake tomorrow...followed by 2? parties...whew...love/hate relationship with the weekend these days....IT'S GOING TO BE AIIIGHTT...

a can of worms

Too many thoughts running through my brain…

My class needs my attention, but I’m spending my last day off feeling kinda craptacutlar from a sinus something or other, I don’t know but it’s in my head and I’m feeling kinda sneezy also, so I’m assuming it’s a sinus something, I was drunk off my rocker last night, but I did put in some class time yesterday …and other than that I’ve been budded…so I guess I’m numbing my feelings…I feel like shit, so I’m trying to not feel like shit…hahaaa any excuse will do…

So last night I went and had some dinner with Big D (my choice! thanks for those lemon pepper wings, yum, I wish I could make them) so D asks me to have a baby…sooooo yes, this was pillow talk but I do think on some level he does want us to have a baby and me on some level might want one despite the fact that a) I never wanted to be a baby mama, b) I never wanted to be a single parent (and trust, after everything, that’s what I’d be, there is no me & him in our future)…and sometimes I dang near never wanted a kid…my dream house has every room accounted for and a nursery was never there… but as I sit on the countdown of my 38^th birthday, I think maybe I should have a kid, maybe I actually want one…

I think we could effectively co-parent not in the same household, we have co-parented before and we are pretty good at it, we value a lot of the same things and we want the same things for the children. I know that he would try and see the child, If plan b works, it wouldn’t be a problem, for the most part he is a good influence on a child, but I’m me and I while not diminishing him as a person would not let him be the child’s end all be all

So you know I’m me and well I’ve had a trillion thoughts about things and of course how I’ve planned my home buying and included Big D to be a nearby source because what if HE lived on the other side of my duplex?? I mean, in less than 24 hours I’ve gone to infinity and beyond…and all the while not knowing if I want to have a baby…

So let the thinking begin…I don’t even know if Big D would be amenable to not being together, if he would get on board with any of my ideas..but I do have them and I think they are valid, and while I determine if I want to have a child I will keep them to myself…

Me! Complicated???

What about me has me being by myself??? I feel sometimes like I’m alone and I’m not, but I wish I had a friend and sometimes I feel like I’m lacking those…

So this lead to thoughts of me feeling entitled…lots of people that are as ‘neat, pretty, special, smart, cute, etc….’ as me have full lives and lots of friends and whatever, whatever….so why do I feel so entitled? Who do I think I am? I guess that’s why I’m alone more that I want to be…I know I’m judgmental too, I often form an opinion quickly without all the facts and typically that leads me to snap judgments ethical judgments and that’s not nice…so who wants to hang with that girl?

It could be that I’ve got minimal in common with most people I know…so maybe I just need more friends that have more in common with me…who knows? But it’s not like I just scream be my friend, cause I don’t like most people but I also don’t like mostly being alone, but I do like to be alone…an oxymoron in crazy, YEP that’s ME!!!

Aha Moment?!?!!!!

I was driving home from work, just rushing, I'm off my schedule working late nights but I have a TON of homework and I was up and out all night at work last night, so I just really wanted to be home after work tonight...YOu know how driving is, sometimes mindless, sometimes thought provoking...well, I was thinking a hundred miles and running tonight, I had ALOT on my mind....

So I am thinking about Big D...and then I don't know why or where it came from, but I started thinking about a birthday that I had with him...

My birthday is near, I am on COUNTDOWN! for more reasons than JUST my birthday this year...last year on my birthday I quit smoking and this year, I expect something just as life altering that's why I am taking the solo vacay...I need to have some downtime just to BE, be in myself, be with myself not even to reflect but more to RELEASE...I don't think I need to do anything to let go of what I have other than just being still for sometime with MYSELF....I need some ME TIME!!!!

I suppose my impending birthday celebration made me reflective. My mind wandered to a birthday I spent with Big D at the Atlantis in Reno, our favorite casino...cause I wanted a nice dinner with a bottle of wine and some birthday sex...but actually it took itself in a whole other direction. I totally recounted it on the way home, and I don't really care to again right now...but I remember, remember a mean person that just really can be shitty even on a mfer's birthday...I mean come on if someone can't have a great freaking birthday....GEEZE...what an azz...

So that will be the factor that focuses my mind on RELEASE...and I think that Big D is going to be invasive in my life for a little long while and I'm just going to deal with it...I'm over it, I know that mean guy, don't break yourself away from your crazy life, but guess what I have nothing to do with it...I'M ON TO THE NEXT ONE

ummm

homeboy admited he's a whore...wow...so ummmm now can I give it up???? Ladies, ladies, I'm teasing...I can wait until she moves....LOL

Lust...YOU????

OK, it's dear diary time...

I like a boy and I lust after him...it's sooooo bad, homeboy is feeling it too, but I'm like a big nervous schoolgirl sometimes when he's around cause he's hella flirty and touchy and I try to stay away from that cause um...homeboy could get it...and he knows but he's in some kind of relationship, so I stay away from flirty cause that's not the business...

No! I will NOT be acting on lust...but DAMN...you know I stopped having sex last year and this is the first mother sucker that I've contemplated seriously giving it to and he's in some kind of relationship...(let me quit downplaying this, this mfer is in a relationship; baby & bm living in the house...that's a freaking relationship) DAMN!!! Goodnight

You take me there...

Does he not understand that I hurt to? My thought was that he doesn’t think that it hurts me…he only looks to how he’s affected and I get it, he is but what else is there to do? You just have to let it go so it will eventually stop hurting…if you don’t want to do what it takes to move forward then you have to know that you probably won’t get what you want, isn’t that walking away?

You know what? I would so go back, but there are things that need to change and I’m not asking for a lot and they are being refused.

Then this CRAZY has the nerve to say ‘find out how much is late fee for rent’. Not asking a question, a demand…FOOL, I have told you that’s not my JOB…C’mon SON! …LOL

Gosh he sent me a message at 11:06 am, it is now 11:36 am, I have written the above and texted him and felt like hundreds of emotions and dammit I wish I could produce this much for my research paper...

I have a lot of things that I need to do…I wanted to spend my downtime doing a little design research not this…I was regular…productive, light, breezy, and focused….NOW??? Everything but…

Well it’s almost noon…I just took a little breather and thought about some plans to incorporate some art into my life…I think by summer I should be able to add something even with school, How about I focus on that, give the other back, pray and press on…my day needs to be full with the future not basking in the past…I got to figure out how to get a workout in too…How about I go shower and Enjoy the Day!!! ...you know me and my chatty azz will be back…

Day 5...dealing

Today is Big D’s birthday. I realize as it’s been 5 days since we’ve spoken that I have a big time part in us staying in contact. So I’m working on being extra strong as to keep the contact null. I don’t want to want to call him and I know that time will lessen this feeling, so I just gotta push past it.

Happy Birthday Big D…I am thinking of you and I know I gotta keep it moving…our season has passed, we would both have to want something that I think I’m the only one that’s willing to work for it, so we can’t both want something and only one of us work on it…so duces…

In other news…I read an article today saying in essence that single women cannot think too highly of themselves in order to get a man. I totally disagree… I think that’s the lamest thing ever. I mean currently as I’m moving past this old relationship that I might put the two on the ten regarding my fabulousness, but I will never not say that I’m the ish, cause I’m not saying I’m the best, but I’m the best…LOL – true statement brought to us by Mary J. Blige.

But also in this article it asked ‘what are things that make you a desirable mate?’ I think that’s a good question, so I asked myself what makes me desirable…this is what I’ve come up with so far tonight (I’m working the graveyard by the way):

v I love God

v I am loyal, I have never cheated on anyone, if I am in a committed relationship with you, I will not cheat – will I look? Yes. Flirt? Yes. Talk to other men? Yes. Will I go out with the girls? Yes. I mean come on we live in a world of men and women, I work with men am I being friends with men, not most of them, but there are some men that are like girlfriends and yes they will be my friend just because of their gender I won’t not be friends with them, but most regular men? No I don’t see myself exchanging numbers with them or trying to be all buddy buddy with men just on the strength. But I do know men and we periodically talk because we’ve known each other a long time and yes their numbers are in my phone; and I’m talking about men that I’ve known since middle school or earlier. And just because me and the patna’s hit the town doesn’t mean we are out looking for men, I been single for the last two years and I been kicking it with these girls the whole time we are not doing it to meet men, I mean that is played and it doesn’t work, so I’m not going there. You can’t meet men when you’re with a crew of 7-15 girls and a man or two sprinkled in.

v I am trustworthy. I will not rip you off, you can trust me with your finances, your house, your car, your life…whatever I can do to help I will and I will not take advantage. I am not that girl

v I am truthful. I am not going to lie about where I’m at. I have no reason to; I’m grown take it or leave it.

v I am caring. I give everything in a relationship

v I am smart. I am a good sounding board for whatever you might be going through, I am business savvy and I do appreciate your knowing this.

v I am kind

v I work steadily

v I like to cook and will cook many days of the week.

So there’s the shortlist to my desirability. I know that I have just as many items that are not so desirable in my arsenal also, but we all do and it wouldn’t be settling for someone to appreciate these great things about me. I ask for the same in a mate. So I’m just about ready to get out there, but I want to make sure that I have a clear picture of what I’m looking for. I don’t want to get out there asking God for the wrong things, I need to make sure I’m asking for what’s right.

Talking out the crazies...

Busy night, I worked on a bunch of homework….I did hit the gym today I wonder if my little alarm clock is going to work for me tomorrow…I think she might be a little hot at me right now…It’s just after 11 and I got to do my goodnight stuff…

Well today I’m not moody like yesterday. Today I was just goofy and hella talkative. I was at work crazy, talking about business models and whatnot, just chatter, chatter, chatter…

Thankfully people are nice to me….I think they all know I’m just regular crazy….not all the way crazy….

I’m going to bed…this is what I need to work on the most my bedtime, I just don’t see how it can change considering when I get home and homework and whatnot….oh the best thing….I just got myself off for the Superbowl…so I hadn’t been planning that nor anticipating it so I’m sooooo happy to have gotten the hook up!!!

So Monday I will be sewing, sewing, sewing….I want to get my bag started and finished… I’m crossing my fingers for a happy and easy project that I can make magnificent… ..maybe I’m break out the instructions again and the sewing guide…LOL…goodnight

Today I feel...

Today I worked out and I’m happy that I hit all my dieting goals, even though, I’m a little worried cause I’m WAY under calories and I hope that don’t come to bite me when I get hungry.

I guess just still thinking and all of the residual stuff and maybe school stress had me a little bit off my game today. A little bit bitchy…

I feel like fear is holding me back like I really don’t know which way to go… will I make a wrong move? That’s my fear, will I make a wrong move…

I know what is right, and that’s leaving the past behind…Big D is gone for many good reasons so I don’t fear that decision…

Now if only I can make more decisions with such abandon…especially the decision to jump on a man… I think different about it all the time, but that’s because I’m afraid of many aspects…I also think that moving slow is not hurting anybody…so I’ll just chill… I guess I should let go of the fantasy a bit…LOL

As much as I try...

I picked this font, because it had the word fang in it and I feel like bearing mine tonight…

I am tired of Big D, he is grown and he feels like he can’t do anything without somebody else and then it gets so good to him that someone(me) is there he gets to inviting someone over for dinner and playing all nice and giving somebody the googly eye and even though somebody’s not sleeping with him I contemplate it…

So I been telling him that I’m not going there with him, he’s taken take all this ish to the new girl and then we get this….

Him/Me

I guess since u not talking to me u can’t help me with my application

Why don’t you email it and I will look at it tomorrow, my internet is down right now

Email you the application?

Why don’t you email me the particulars, what you need help with, the job posting, etc.

Why it has to be so complicated

Why do I have to work for you on your terms? I really don’t want to be on the phone with you or texting you if you email it’s business and I can handle that periodically…sorry if it’s complicated

U slowly making me hate u and I don’t want to bye……8:23pm

U always making decisions u will regret later……9:31pm

Are you satisfied now

I never wanted you to hate me or me to hate you. you only have been thinking about yourself and not caring about how what you do affects me so I know this so I say away from it

Not true- I ask for help and u can’t wait to turn me down. Guess it make you feel like u have the upper hand. U only want an be a friend if u are here

You are just going to have to think whatever you want I have tried several times to tell you how I felt in this situation and it has not changed anything…I feel there is nothing more for me to say

I cannot be your captain…if he kept it business I might would but I know where this leads, so I will not continue to roll there with him…I am preserving my own self worth…I know that I seriously have been letting things pass me by because I’ve been so caught up with homeboy and he acts like he doesn’t understand…You get it, Negro you know you freaking get it!

It's sooo complicated I think it'll never END...but guess what? I'm done

So, it’s late, after 1am…

Last night at a party Big D dialed my line (it was after 11) I let it go to vm, I was at a party and we’re at an impasse, I mean really we’re through. He doesn’t want to commit to me and I’m over being the chick on the side??? (Wtf? What part of the game is this? I lived with you for 6 years in a committed relationship, and I’m not going somewhere we’ve never been. tk is not that much in LOVE ok???) I mean, we’re WAY past that…

So tonight, starting at about 10:45pm…him me

Tried to call you yesterday

Yeah I saw that

U didn’t want to answer

I was at a birthday party and it was hella loud

U didn’t call me back

No I didn’t

Guess u setting the grounds

You know where I stand. I don’t know where you stand or what you want. So in my eyes it means you don’t want me so I see no reason why I’m supposed to answer your call or call you, I don’t talk to taken men

Well I’m getting tired always the same thing u don’t want to talk to me or be my friend then don’t I have to find someone else to depend on

So the conversation ends there. This is a grown 43 year old man that earns a living and can take care of his self. He has been affected by the recession and has some slower earnings than previous years so I have helped him cause I pretty much live at home…BUTTTTTT…he bought ‘somebody’ something for over $400 at Nordstroms and trust it wasn’t me…so if he needs anything he should be asking the one he gifts extravagantly, isn’t she the one who he’s growing with? To me we are done, I can’t keep the role of your caretaker for the rest of our lives when you ‘date’ someone else but are always worried about where I am and if I’m with someone and even when I say I’m not you don’t forking believe me….really?

We had an argument the other day regarding him and relying on me as though I’m committed to him but he’s committed to someone else, so I decided then that I’m really over this insanity so I called him, he didn’t call me back, and when he tried to talk to me a couple of hours later I decided to forget it…it was clear by those text messages that us being a couple ain’t going to happen, I would transcribe but they are way lamer…this is a condensed version of our conversations and my clarity of the situation and his babiness and neediness and someone else needs to be his freaking Captain! That’s NO LONGER MY JOB!!

I am very clear on this issue.....I am too available for nothing, so it's time for me to move on to my own life and leave the old one behind

distracted...11:15pm

I have been staying distracted but accomplishing nothing…

I have been completing courses but not really getting into them, especially that last one…that must change, I have a very involved course that begins on Tuesday. So distractions are out with the wind, and it’s about focus. I can be focused and moving all the day long as long as I am checking items off my list…

Tomorrow begins the workout, I’ve got to take my mother somewhere in the morning, I might as well hit the gym on the way home. Laundry and my mail is also on my list this weekend, I’d like to have my taxes filed and my FASFA completed.

No weekend treats of mental distractions, I’ve been out the last two weekends and tequila and I have been way too close lately...

5 Star Chick....

Ha Ha, went out tonight and the DJ had a hype man….what the heck? It was hilarious…so the hype man did this chant on the mic talking about 5 star “…” so now it’s 5 Star TK!!!

Well my class begins on Tuesday, I hadn’t realized…my room is a MESS clothes everywhere, some mail that’s sorted to be filed, some that needs to be taken care of and some to be shredded….so I need to do laundry & get my paperwork together….

So I guess I won’t be hitting the town for a while, too much work needing to be done…

5 Star TK OUT!!!

My Old Thing...

My old thing is ruining everything in my life right now....

I am irritated, and I am typically not an irritated person and I hate being irritated and irritable, lets face it the ish ain't cute....
I'm emotional...red eyes do not a new date make....
I'm crazy, I'm questioning everything I know...I even contemplate getting back with him....

Us getting back together is NOT a good look, it's not going to happen if it happened, I would be the most miserable chick in the world...I freaking know this, so why do I act like I want to be back with him????

I feel like I'm freaking CRAZY, I know I'm ready to be ON TO THE NEXT ONE

I'm just scared of what I do not know, we haven't been together for the last 2 years....and also, I haven't slept with him since last March...so what the fuck do I think I'm not walking away from??? I mean I've already clearly walked away from the situation, so why am I acting as though the world will crash if I fully & completely walk away and leave the past behind me...

WHAT AM I AFRAID OF????

I don't like this feeling and I'm not sure of what I really think is going to happen...

I know that this is not the love of my life anymore, I know that this person is extremely selfish, I know that he is sooo full of his self that he thinks he's right about everything, he does not fight fair, he's a bully, I know that he thinks he knows everything...I believe that his general bad attitude is holding him back from everything....

I know that I am decisive & haste....but I cannot keep regretting, I feel fear and remorse for so many things that we have been through, but I also know I was not in a relationship by myself and I cannot control & create a perfect relationship for two, when I am only one!!

I GOTTA GO, GOTTA LEAVE....I'm soooo ready for something NEW!!!! OLD must roll out...I'm not taking this to my birthday

Random

So I really more than anything am just testing this out. Am I able to post from my phone...I thought I could but I guess I'll have to check on that app. Can I log into other computers and what is that darn new password...so I'm at work and I'm able to log in....

So later, I will upload a picture and look for the app...

HAVE A GREAT DAY...for all the readers, I don't have....LOL!

Me & Technology

So the above post was me posting from the phone...not tooo successful...but the funniest thing is, I said I wanted a blog, on the laptop I signed up for two new email addy's uploaded the info for both into the phone and signed up for a blogger acct....well then I forgot which email did I use for the blogger acct?? wt-hay?? too goofy, but I figured it out and was able to log on from my phone and post a blog with no content...tomorrow when I'm in from work, I will check if there's an app for that...LOL

ENOUGH WITH THE RANDOM POSTING...LOL...

~~~~Sweet Dreams

new job???

I decided I wanted to start blogging...I don't mind making a public diary, trust I AIN'T telling erything...I am not even sure who I'm going to let read it from people I already know....right now I don't even know what I'll write about it took forever to come up with this name, even though it's mine....

So I'm 37 I'm fabulously single, but wearily in a complicated situation...I'm a creative girl...I'm excited about living ALONE, you know, for the decorative aspects and the closet space, of course...I currently don't live alone but I don't co-habitate in the complicated situation....whew...at least there's that...LOL...

So I read a bunch of creative blogs and I've always thought this might be something I'd like to incorporate into my life, so here it is...I hope I didn't just give myself a new job...I have plenty

I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish here, but something is going on...