2012

I haven’t visited this space in many, many moons…almost a year and BOY what a year it’s been….


2012…

I graduated with my bachelors

I turned 40!

I threw myself a freaking party – people came!!

I lost a faux friend

I gained about 10 new genuine people!!!!

I started working towards my life goal…the one that makes me smile, the one that uses my knowledge of business and the creativity that lives inside of me!


So blessed I am finally able to earn my certificate in fashion design & merchandising…so blessed, that I have the time to dedicate to this program, I finished my first semester Wednesday and I’m freaking OVERJOYED & THANKFUL! I’ve eyed this program for the last 6 years, BLESSED! That I can now join it and finish it, it’s WORK. Harder than obtaining my bachelors, I’m not patient nor a great seamstress, but that’s ok…I know I have other talents and just because I’m not the best at these things, I know that my business will still thrive with me at the helm and the knowledge, contacts and skills that I’m learning!!! This honestly is the thing that keeps me going…darkness has been a theme in my life this year, along with my recurring themes dealing with men…my archenemies and my biggest personal challenge.

I am addicted to men, to love, to trying to be loved, to affection. I’m codependent, I stay in situations that are serving no purpose for me and as I read some blog posts that I’ve submitted to the world, I realize that this is my biggest hurdle…one that I am committing to fixing…I’ve grown a little in this area, I’ve given the boot to two men this year citing the fact that they weren’t serving my life in the manner that I needed and as such, they needed to go…feeling pretty cool about that…

My ex helped me get over my recent heartbreak, but I’ve got to get him back out and at arms length, he’s not one I can lean on, currently there is no one for me to lean on but me…I hurt by that knowledge, this is my hurdle, this is my 41st years goal, my 2013 thing to overcome…not to have some man to lean on, but that I know I’m strong enough to lean on myself and a man is not my captain, I’m my own captain…I can only save myself!!!

But for 2012 all I can say is this freaking year has been one that is worth about 1,000,000,000 gold stars!!!! Regardless of my man issues, I, ME, I, ME!!!! I!I!I!I! have accomplished so much, I’m stronger than I give myself credit for…and even though there is not one man in my life currently that I can call if I’m on the side of the road stranded, I know that my sister and my BFF will be there…I guess I’m gonna learn to lean on those broads more, cause I’m kicking all those addictions to the curb, unhealthy relationships won’t be mine in 2013..this I KNOW!!!

2013, I’m ready to meet you…TK I’m ready to see you grow, you are learning and growing, so I know that the future will be more of the same and the lessons will finally start to STICK!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! See ya in 2013…

gotta stop letting the hormones affect me

sooooo....I been on one, had a lot of penis in my face (for lack of a better phrase, that's for the homie DDub, lol)..
so of course those girl hormones get to going with thoughts of grandeur in one direction or another and then I slow down with everyone...maybe I become not as open, but regular...with Big D of course we flat out argue, but that's to be expected

so seeing as this is the new year, my first thought was the same...kick out the old, the Big D and keep a friend...

I can't be all these people's number 2, 3 or 4 I only need to be one somebodies number 1 and only...that's flat out the bottom line, I'm not selling myself short for it...if you can't committ I gotta acquit! LMAO

ok, it's late morning i worked all night and now I'm going to sleep, I need to log 45 minutes later and I gotta get ready for the workweek get gas, groceries and whatnot!! on my grind for the vacay!!!!

scattered

so again i'm nervous that what i want and what i did meet...i thought i gave this away, it's not a testement of faith, but that pit in the bottom of my stomach when the thought creeps...it's 4 hours before the alarm will sound and i'm UP!

my mind is scattered that's why things are getting to me as they are. i must settle my whole entire freaking world...i'm a MESS and not only because of the self sabatoge, but other things that are not as they should be...i need to get on track, school, work, sewing :D

saving is my focus of the right now, i've taken lunch every day for the last 2 week +...i'm getting it in...only .6 worth this week, but man oh man i have all week to do it again :D

just totally cheered myself up :D gonna go to bed after a period of meditation and prayer...being thankful for what i have acheived in the last 2+ weeks and the focus on the more i can do and will soon be doing as second nature...MORE means alot...more taking care of business, more school focus, more over all focus, more taking care of business...MORE...you know TK

going to bed now, to dream of that which i want and the path to getting it...business, financial, savings, house, man with .......********** everthing that God brings to me that's my biggest want! just cause i want doesn't mean i'm demanding, we have to want to get, to know how to achieve to have a focus, we want jobs, we want life...<<<~~~~not too sure what took me to the left (white guilt? , lmao) silly...

goodnight

self sabatoge

my impatience and maybe a little self pity allowed me to do something i really regret...not because of the act, or the person, but because of what else i want...i want something more and something better but i cheapened it for the right now, that gave no inkling or resemblance of the want...it was something but it wasn't comfort...
i have a hard time slowing down, i want things in my time, but i can't always have it in my time...I know that the behaviour i exhibited can affect my want for more, more might not want that impatient girl...so i must become patient and always work towards the wants not the right nows....right nows are many, wants are few and far between...
thankful that i can see the lesson, it's done, the consequences may come, but i pray they do not...I know that won't happen again...patience for the future is where my mind will stay

*** in much better news, the first Monday of the New Year had me see the gym and an evening short wii workout!!! ***

I need to embrace it

What is it?? it is being single....

I embraced it when I was painfully raw from my break up, then I started getting over it, and now I just need to embrace it. Obviously I'm not going to be with anyone for some time, so I gotta get on the good foot...it happens when you aren't looking, it's not yours to make, let God bring someone in your life....

I hear them and on some level I believe it, but seriously - I GOTTA EMBRACE IT....you're single...and until your husband is revealed you obviously need to be...

Today I'm over homeboy I gave my number to last month that never called but still flirts with me endlessly. I try & keep it even, I guess I just have to embrace, that I'm single, nothing moving there....so keep it even, no more flirting (I mean, why for?), so I guess homeboy is busy or otherwise engaged, so I ain't even thinking anything is happening there...

Big D...that Ninja went to the left today...asking me how much is an iPad...I say around the ballpark I think the thing is in, he says can I get him one...that throws no bells cause he's forever acting like we're together and I'm going to get him something...but when I say it's not in the budget, homeboy comes at me talking about I'm hurt, I've done sooo much for you...WTF?...so I say homeboy I live in the present, you need to join me here....then he says I should have gotten more from you when you were here???? what kind of crazy town is this Ninja from??? I mean seriously??? get some ish from the girl you buy Nordstroms for...when I lived with you, you had attitude if I bought myself anything & today you're going there....GTFO!!!!

So I guess the real lesson of it all is, I'm single, I'm attractive, I'm single and attractive and that's OK, one day I will find the love of my life, one day I will have an active dating life, one day...so today all I can do is embrace ME & my SINGLENESS, I'm single and it's all good....the right one hasn't been revealed YET, but it will be...until then I EMBRACE IT - no more pushing, overthinking, no more planning based on NOTHING....EMBRACE you're single life, so you can be ready for your husband....

I'm deleting my plenty of fish account tooo...I mean what for????

I love you TK, I LOVE YOU lots....God Loves you, you're family loves you...you have love...that's all you get right now and that's all you need....EMBRACE IT

truly moving forward

even though I'm not the number one hoarder of the house, I am still a hoarder. So today I really talked to myself about myself and I'm trying to get rid of stuff. I think it's going to be alot less and every day offers a chance for improvement.
Moving brought emotions. I found the video camera me and Big D had gotten into an argument about it and of course he wants it. Even though I paid it all off, and I'm always the one called selfish, but you know what I really don't care about it, I got a Flip for x-mas and don't want that, but I'd perfer that becasue it's electronic. So yes Big D keep it and I gave you an apology about an argument we got into over 2 years ago, I hope it serves you well, I hope it releases you from something.
But in me finding the camera I feel mostly sad, just becasue that was my life and it's not any longer and there's nothing close to it in my life and that's sad. Plus I was sad becasue we went on a trip and had fun, even though there is a very big argument surrounding that also....but it was my family and I loved them and I thought we had fun and I miss them becasue they are not part of my life any longer. Mostly I'm moving past the old life that I've been holding on and mourning. And that's not the only old life I've been holding on to, I think I need to really get rid of all clothing that does not fit me. I am holding on to alot of stuff, but I also know when I move I'm moving on the weight loss thing pretty heavy so can I justify it through the end of the year or something?
It's time for new memories, new experiences - school is one and it's taking me somewhere, sewing and design also...my life is moving forward and I am trying to minimize my mourning...one good thing about living with a buncha folks you can't cry in your soup for too long by yourself, so I'm off to do some homework with the neicipoo and nephew and get ready for some dinner, I'm starving and I was good until I thought my stomach was eating itself and then I kinda went off track, but still not too bad, I might track it... alot is going on to be really counting and whatnot, but I also know I have been really conciensious and I brought my lunch to work and I will continue to do that this week also.

Glad I got it off my chest real quick and I'm moving past it. feeling kinda better.

another one bites the dust...

so me an a homegirl, been kinda going through it for some time. So homechick and I have been friends since middle school and on and off have been very close. So in the last 2 years, we've been relocated to closer proximately to each other. So it's cool to have someone to go out with and do new shit with and whatnot...so intially we went out a few times and I felt homechick was not acting like a grown ass woman, I did mention some of this behavior as not how I like spending my downtime. So Iwasn't judgy, but I just knew that we were not jiving on the kicking it level....my birthday two years ago, she puked in front of the club and i left that party early to take her to some boys house that she's f-ing....on her birthday we have dinner and see a show, on our way to the next party - homechick says she had passed out in her car....ooookkkkaaaayyyyy....so strike three is that at my sister's party she once again is puking in the club....
so next day she makes some sideways remarks about people that she didn't know but people that we knew and about things they were saying about her the night before....well for one, homechick, I don't carry myself in that manner and of everyone that I'm with you are the one doing this and poeple have seen you and they are welcome to say whatever they want...
so we haven't been out since and haven't spoken to each other on the phone or by text, there has been some emails and facebook chatter
last night I status update I'm cooking dinner and she says put me up a plate, I joke back, that it might only make it lunch time - she then says I'm in your town working back at my old job I'll be by for lunch...ok later after dinner is devoured there's no lunchtime leftovers soooo I tell her i'm outta lunch, but since she's in my town lets hook up for lunch....she says she'll give me a call today...well 2 hours past lunch time I've heard nothing...
So I'm thinking how I will proceed...I guess nothing...I mean we obviously aren't friends, so is there further comment necessary???

INOTHERNEWS...
I'm not sure about this dating thing....maybe I should continue to keep my focus on my forward moving life??? who knows, I'm debating....

Aha Moment?!?!!!!

I was driving home from work, just rushing, I'm off my schedule working late nights but I have a TON of homework and I was up and out all night at work last night, so I just really wanted to be home after work tonight...YOu know how driving is, sometimes mindless, sometimes thought provoking...well, I was thinking a hundred miles and running tonight, I had ALOT on my mind....

So I am thinking about Big D...and then I don't know why or where it came from, but I started thinking about a birthday that I had with him...

My birthday is near, I am on COUNTDOWN! for more reasons than JUST my birthday this year...last year on my birthday I quit smoking and this year, I expect something just as life altering that's why I am taking the solo vacay...I need to have some downtime just to BE, be in myself, be with myself not even to reflect but more to RELEASE...I don't think I need to do anything to let go of what I have other than just being still for sometime with MYSELF....I need some ME TIME!!!!

I suppose my impending birthday celebration made me reflective. My mind wandered to a birthday I spent with Big D at the Atlantis in Reno, our favorite casino...cause I wanted a nice dinner with a bottle of wine and some birthday sex...but actually it took itself in a whole other direction. I totally recounted it on the way home, and I don't really care to again right now...but I remember, remember a mean person that just really can be shitty even on a mfer's birthday...I mean come on if someone can't have a great freaking birthday....GEEZE...what an azz...

So that will be the factor that focuses my mind on RELEASE...and I think that Big D is going to be invasive in my life for a little long while and I'm just going to deal with it...I'm over it, I know that mean guy, don't break yourself away from your crazy life, but guess what I have nothing to do with it...I'M ON TO THE NEXT ONE

You take me there...

Does he not understand that I hurt to? My thought was that he doesn’t think that it hurts me…he only looks to how he’s affected and I get it, he is but what else is there to do? You just have to let it go so it will eventually stop hurting…if you don’t want to do what it takes to move forward then you have to know that you probably won’t get what you want, isn’t that walking away?

You know what? I would so go back, but there are things that need to change and I’m not asking for a lot and they are being refused.

Then this CRAZY has the nerve to say ‘find out how much is late fee for rent’. Not asking a question, a demand…FOOL, I have told you that’s not my JOB…C’mon SON! …LOL

Gosh he sent me a message at 11:06 am, it is now 11:36 am, I have written the above and texted him and felt like hundreds of emotions and dammit I wish I could produce this much for my research paper...

I have a lot of things that I need to do…I wanted to spend my downtime doing a little design research not this…I was regular…productive, light, breezy, and focused….NOW??? Everything but…

Well it’s almost noon…I just took a little breather and thought about some plans to incorporate some art into my life…I think by summer I should be able to add something even with school, How about I focus on that, give the other back, pray and press on…my day needs to be full with the future not basking in the past…I got to figure out how to get a workout in too…How about I go shower and Enjoy the Day!!! ...you know me and my chatty azz will be back…

Day 5...dealing

Today is Big D’s birthday. I realize as it’s been 5 days since we’ve spoken that I have a big time part in us staying in contact. So I’m working on being extra strong as to keep the contact null. I don’t want to want to call him and I know that time will lessen this feeling, so I just gotta push past it.

Happy Birthday Big D…I am thinking of you and I know I gotta keep it moving…our season has passed, we would both have to want something that I think I’m the only one that’s willing to work for it, so we can’t both want something and only one of us work on it…so duces…

In other news…I read an article today saying in essence that single women cannot think too highly of themselves in order to get a man. I totally disagree… I think that’s the lamest thing ever. I mean currently as I’m moving past this old relationship that I might put the two on the ten regarding my fabulousness, but I will never not say that I’m the ish, cause I’m not saying I’m the best, but I’m the best…LOL – true statement brought to us by Mary J. Blige.

But also in this article it asked ‘what are things that make you a desirable mate?’ I think that’s a good question, so I asked myself what makes me desirable…this is what I’ve come up with so far tonight (I’m working the graveyard by the way):

v I love God

v I am loyal, I have never cheated on anyone, if I am in a committed relationship with you, I will not cheat – will I look? Yes. Flirt? Yes. Talk to other men? Yes. Will I go out with the girls? Yes. I mean come on we live in a world of men and women, I work with men am I being friends with men, not most of them, but there are some men that are like girlfriends and yes they will be my friend just because of their gender I won’t not be friends with them, but most regular men? No I don’t see myself exchanging numbers with them or trying to be all buddy buddy with men just on the strength. But I do know men and we periodically talk because we’ve known each other a long time and yes their numbers are in my phone; and I’m talking about men that I’ve known since middle school or earlier. And just because me and the patna’s hit the town doesn’t mean we are out looking for men, I been single for the last two years and I been kicking it with these girls the whole time we are not doing it to meet men, I mean that is played and it doesn’t work, so I’m not going there. You can’t meet men when you’re with a crew of 7-15 girls and a man or two sprinkled in.

v I am trustworthy. I will not rip you off, you can trust me with your finances, your house, your car, your life…whatever I can do to help I will and I will not take advantage. I am not that girl

v I am truthful. I am not going to lie about where I’m at. I have no reason to; I’m grown take it or leave it.

v I am caring. I give everything in a relationship

v I am smart. I am a good sounding board for whatever you might be going through, I am business savvy and I do appreciate your knowing this.

v I am kind

v I work steadily

v I like to cook and will cook many days of the week.

So there’s the shortlist to my desirability. I know that I have just as many items that are not so desirable in my arsenal also, but we all do and it wouldn’t be settling for someone to appreciate these great things about me. I ask for the same in a mate. So I’m just about ready to get out there, but I want to make sure that I have a clear picture of what I’m looking for. I don’t want to get out there asking God for the wrong things, I need to make sure I’m asking for what’s right.

Talking out the crazies...

Busy night, I worked on a bunch of homework….I did hit the gym today I wonder if my little alarm clock is going to work for me tomorrow…I think she might be a little hot at me right now…It’s just after 11 and I got to do my goodnight stuff…

Well today I’m not moody like yesterday. Today I was just goofy and hella talkative. I was at work crazy, talking about business models and whatnot, just chatter, chatter, chatter…

Thankfully people are nice to me….I think they all know I’m just regular crazy….not all the way crazy….

I’m going to bed…this is what I need to work on the most my bedtime, I just don’t see how it can change considering when I get home and homework and whatnot….oh the best thing….I just got myself off for the Superbowl…so I hadn’t been planning that nor anticipating it so I’m sooooo happy to have gotten the hook up!!!

So Monday I will be sewing, sewing, sewing….I want to get my bag started and finished… I’m crossing my fingers for a happy and easy project that I can make magnificent… ..maybe I’m break out the instructions again and the sewing guide…LOL…goodnight

As much as I try...

I picked this font, because it had the word fang in it and I feel like bearing mine tonight…

I am tired of Big D, he is grown and he feels like he can’t do anything without somebody else and then it gets so good to him that someone(me) is there he gets to inviting someone over for dinner and playing all nice and giving somebody the googly eye and even though somebody’s not sleeping with him I contemplate it…

So I been telling him that I’m not going there with him, he’s taken take all this ish to the new girl and then we get this….

Him/Me

I guess since u not talking to me u can’t help me with my application

Why don’t you email it and I will look at it tomorrow, my internet is down right now

Email you the application?

Why don’t you email me the particulars, what you need help with, the job posting, etc.

Why it has to be so complicated

Why do I have to work for you on your terms? I really don’t want to be on the phone with you or texting you if you email it’s business and I can handle that periodically…sorry if it’s complicated

U slowly making me hate u and I don’t want to bye……8:23pm

U always making decisions u will regret later……9:31pm

Are you satisfied now

I never wanted you to hate me or me to hate you. you only have been thinking about yourself and not caring about how what you do affects me so I know this so I say away from it

Not true- I ask for help and u can’t wait to turn me down. Guess it make you feel like u have the upper hand. U only want an be a friend if u are here

You are just going to have to think whatever you want I have tried several times to tell you how I felt in this situation and it has not changed anything…I feel there is nothing more for me to say

I cannot be your captain…if he kept it business I might would but I know where this leads, so I will not continue to roll there with him…I am preserving my own self worth…I know that I seriously have been letting things pass me by because I’ve been so caught up with homeboy and he acts like he doesn’t understand…You get it, Negro you know you freaking get it!