ummm

homeboy admited he's a whore...wow...so ummmm now can I give it up???? Ladies, ladies, I'm teasing...I can wait until she moves....LOL

Lust...YOU????

OK, it's dear diary time...

I like a boy and I lust after him...it's sooooo bad, homeboy is feeling it too, but I'm like a big nervous schoolgirl sometimes when he's around cause he's hella flirty and touchy and I try to stay away from that cause um...homeboy could get it...and he knows but he's in some kind of relationship, so I stay away from flirty cause that's not the business...

No! I will NOT be acting on lust...but DAMN...you know I stopped having sex last year and this is the first mother sucker that I've contemplated seriously giving it to and he's in some kind of relationship...(let me quit downplaying this, this mfer is in a relationship; baby & bm living in the house...that's a freaking relationship) DAMN!!! Goodnight

You take me there...

Does he not understand that I hurt to? My thought was that he doesn’t think that it hurts me…he only looks to how he’s affected and I get it, he is but what else is there to do? You just have to let it go so it will eventually stop hurting…if you don’t want to do what it takes to move forward then you have to know that you probably won’t get what you want, isn’t that walking away?

You know what? I would so go back, but there are things that need to change and I’m not asking for a lot and they are being refused.

Then this CRAZY has the nerve to say ‘find out how much is late fee for rent’. Not asking a question, a demand…FOOL, I have told you that’s not my JOB…C’mon SON! …LOL

Gosh he sent me a message at 11:06 am, it is now 11:36 am, I have written the above and texted him and felt like hundreds of emotions and dammit I wish I could produce this much for my research paper...

I have a lot of things that I need to do…I wanted to spend my downtime doing a little design research not this…I was regular…productive, light, breezy, and focused….NOW??? Everything but…

Well it’s almost noon…I just took a little breather and thought about some plans to incorporate some art into my life…I think by summer I should be able to add something even with school, How about I focus on that, give the other back, pray and press on…my day needs to be full with the future not basking in the past…I got to figure out how to get a workout in too…How about I go shower and Enjoy the Day!!! ...you know me and my chatty azz will be back…

Day 5...dealing

Today is Big D’s birthday. I realize as it’s been 5 days since we’ve spoken that I have a big time part in us staying in contact. So I’m working on being extra strong as to keep the contact null. I don’t want to want to call him and I know that time will lessen this feeling, so I just gotta push past it.

Happy Birthday Big D…I am thinking of you and I know I gotta keep it moving…our season has passed, we would both have to want something that I think I’m the only one that’s willing to work for it, so we can’t both want something and only one of us work on it…so duces…

In other news…I read an article today saying in essence that single women cannot think too highly of themselves in order to get a man. I totally disagree… I think that’s the lamest thing ever. I mean currently as I’m moving past this old relationship that I might put the two on the ten regarding my fabulousness, but I will never not say that I’m the ish, cause I’m not saying I’m the best, but I’m the best…LOL – true statement brought to us by Mary J. Blige.

But also in this article it asked ‘what are things that make you a desirable mate?’ I think that’s a good question, so I asked myself what makes me desirable…this is what I’ve come up with so far tonight (I’m working the graveyard by the way):

v I love God

v I am loyal, I have never cheated on anyone, if I am in a committed relationship with you, I will not cheat – will I look? Yes. Flirt? Yes. Talk to other men? Yes. Will I go out with the girls? Yes. I mean come on we live in a world of men and women, I work with men am I being friends with men, not most of them, but there are some men that are like girlfriends and yes they will be my friend just because of their gender I won’t not be friends with them, but most regular men? No I don’t see myself exchanging numbers with them or trying to be all buddy buddy with men just on the strength. But I do know men and we periodically talk because we’ve known each other a long time and yes their numbers are in my phone; and I’m talking about men that I’ve known since middle school or earlier. And just because me and the patna’s hit the town doesn’t mean we are out looking for men, I been single for the last two years and I been kicking it with these girls the whole time we are not doing it to meet men, I mean that is played and it doesn’t work, so I’m not going there. You can’t meet men when you’re with a crew of 7-15 girls and a man or two sprinkled in.

v I am trustworthy. I will not rip you off, you can trust me with your finances, your house, your car, your life…whatever I can do to help I will and I will not take advantage. I am not that girl

v I am truthful. I am not going to lie about where I’m at. I have no reason to; I’m grown take it or leave it.

v I am caring. I give everything in a relationship

v I am smart. I am a good sounding board for whatever you might be going through, I am business savvy and I do appreciate your knowing this.

v I am kind

v I work steadily

v I like to cook and will cook many days of the week.

So there’s the shortlist to my desirability. I know that I have just as many items that are not so desirable in my arsenal also, but we all do and it wouldn’t be settling for someone to appreciate these great things about me. I ask for the same in a mate. So I’m just about ready to get out there, but I want to make sure that I have a clear picture of what I’m looking for. I don’t want to get out there asking God for the wrong things, I need to make sure I’m asking for what’s right.

Talking out the crazies...

Busy night, I worked on a bunch of homework….I did hit the gym today I wonder if my little alarm clock is going to work for me tomorrow…I think she might be a little hot at me right now…It’s just after 11 and I got to do my goodnight stuff…

Well today I’m not moody like yesterday. Today I was just goofy and hella talkative. I was at work crazy, talking about business models and whatnot, just chatter, chatter, chatter…

Thankfully people are nice to me….I think they all know I’m just regular crazy….not all the way crazy….

I’m going to bed…this is what I need to work on the most my bedtime, I just don’t see how it can change considering when I get home and homework and whatnot….oh the best thing….I just got myself off for the Superbowl…so I hadn’t been planning that nor anticipating it so I’m sooooo happy to have gotten the hook up!!!

So Monday I will be sewing, sewing, sewing….I want to get my bag started and finished… I’m crossing my fingers for a happy and easy project that I can make magnificent… ..maybe I’m break out the instructions again and the sewing guide…LOL…goodnight

Today I feel...

Today I worked out and I’m happy that I hit all my dieting goals, even though, I’m a little worried cause I’m WAY under calories and I hope that don’t come to bite me when I get hungry.

I guess just still thinking and all of the residual stuff and maybe school stress had me a little bit off my game today. A little bit bitchy…

I feel like fear is holding me back like I really don’t know which way to go… will I make a wrong move? That’s my fear, will I make a wrong move…

I know what is right, and that’s leaving the past behind…Big D is gone for many good reasons so I don’t fear that decision…

Now if only I can make more decisions with such abandon…especially the decision to jump on a man… I think different about it all the time, but that’s because I’m afraid of many aspects…I also think that moving slow is not hurting anybody…so I’ll just chill… I guess I should let go of the fantasy a bit…LOL

As much as I try...

I picked this font, because it had the word fang in it and I feel like bearing mine tonight…

I am tired of Big D, he is grown and he feels like he can’t do anything without somebody else and then it gets so good to him that someone(me) is there he gets to inviting someone over for dinner and playing all nice and giving somebody the googly eye and even though somebody’s not sleeping with him I contemplate it…

So I been telling him that I’m not going there with him, he’s taken take all this ish to the new girl and then we get this….

Him/Me

I guess since u not talking to me u can’t help me with my application

Why don’t you email it and I will look at it tomorrow, my internet is down right now

Email you the application?

Why don’t you email me the particulars, what you need help with, the job posting, etc.

Why it has to be so complicated

Why do I have to work for you on your terms? I really don’t want to be on the phone with you or texting you if you email it’s business and I can handle that periodically…sorry if it’s complicated

U slowly making me hate u and I don’t want to bye……8:23pm

U always making decisions u will regret later……9:31pm

Are you satisfied now

I never wanted you to hate me or me to hate you. you only have been thinking about yourself and not caring about how what you do affects me so I know this so I say away from it

Not true- I ask for help and u can’t wait to turn me down. Guess it make you feel like u have the upper hand. U only want an be a friend if u are here

You are just going to have to think whatever you want I have tried several times to tell you how I felt in this situation and it has not changed anything…I feel there is nothing more for me to say

I cannot be your captain…if he kept it business I might would but I know where this leads, so I will not continue to roll there with him…I am preserving my own self worth…I know that I seriously have been letting things pass me by because I’ve been so caught up with homeboy and he acts like he doesn’t understand…You get it, Negro you know you freaking get it!

It's sooo complicated I think it'll never END...but guess what? I'm done

So, it’s late, after 1am…

Last night at a party Big D dialed my line (it was after 11) I let it go to vm, I was at a party and we’re at an impasse, I mean really we’re through. He doesn’t want to commit to me and I’m over being the chick on the side??? (Wtf? What part of the game is this? I lived with you for 6 years in a committed relationship, and I’m not going somewhere we’ve never been. tk is not that much in LOVE ok???) I mean, we’re WAY past that…

So tonight, starting at about 10:45pm…him me

Tried to call you yesterday

Yeah I saw that

U didn’t want to answer

I was at a birthday party and it was hella loud

U didn’t call me back

No I didn’t

Guess u setting the grounds

You know where I stand. I don’t know where you stand or what you want. So in my eyes it means you don’t want me so I see no reason why I’m supposed to answer your call or call you, I don’t talk to taken men

Well I’m getting tired always the same thing u don’t want to talk to me or be my friend then don’t I have to find someone else to depend on

So the conversation ends there. This is a grown 43 year old man that earns a living and can take care of his self. He has been affected by the recession and has some slower earnings than previous years so I have helped him cause I pretty much live at home…BUTTTTTT…he bought ‘somebody’ something for over $400 at Nordstroms and trust it wasn’t me…so if he needs anything he should be asking the one he gifts extravagantly, isn’t she the one who he’s growing with? To me we are done, I can’t keep the role of your caretaker for the rest of our lives when you ‘date’ someone else but are always worried about where I am and if I’m with someone and even when I say I’m not you don’t forking believe me….really?

We had an argument the other day regarding him and relying on me as though I’m committed to him but he’s committed to someone else, so I decided then that I’m really over this insanity so I called him, he didn’t call me back, and when he tried to talk to me a couple of hours later I decided to forget it…it was clear by those text messages that us being a couple ain’t going to happen, I would transcribe but they are way lamer…this is a condensed version of our conversations and my clarity of the situation and his babiness and neediness and someone else needs to be his freaking Captain! That’s NO LONGER MY JOB!!

I am very clear on this issue.....I am too available for nothing, so it's time for me to move on to my own life and leave the old one behind