distracted

I'm sooo distracted lately...like I don't know what to focus on...I can say I am keeping up with school. I'm on week 4 at my school and week 3 at the cc
I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm irritable, I'm irritating, I'm lonely, I'm an asshole, I haven't been to the gym...I'm extremely happy, I'm blessed beyond belief, I'm loved
that's my whole thing right now, I'm scattered all over the place...but today I'm going to focus that school is going well...the house hunt...now that is who knows? I think part of my distraction is coming from not wanting to think about the house hunt when a house is all I've thought about for soooo long it was close and then it was far, I haven't talked to anyone re a house in over 2 months...I feel discouraged but I should just get the black and white of the situation....
maybe I should just make a list and take care of what I need tooo I gotta stop being distracted
I MUST get my focus on my fitness...my whole life needs it...
goodnight love you

participating in this race

I'm in it, the rat race I'm a willing participant putting my all forward and I'd like to win or place so high that people know me...It begins inside, embracing me ~ that's what I'm learning, regardless of what anyone might have or anything; they deserve it and so do I, it will come to me when I am ready for it....
I'm thankful for the Memorial Day I just spent, actually this weekend was really good, I worked the graveyard so I got to spend my weekend with my peeps....so blessed and I'm thankful for my blessings.
I've a busy weekend planned. I want to get this room together and go buy a vaccum...I have plans for lunch and I wanted to get my hair dyed if we can get together before I gotta get back to work...
Been to the gym 4 of the last 5 days and that's what I'm talking about...gotta get it, I'm back on food and I'm going to make something vegetarian for myself for this week, I ate meat this weekend, but I was mindful and dind't overindulge tooo much, I'm trying to keep a under my daily calories and gradually move up and I think I'm doing that...
RIP to my Grandpa a retired Air Force Man...thankful for your service and today we honor you and those like you, I miss you and love you...
goodnight, heading to rest in a mindful, thankful, happier, most embracing of self, situation...embrace the positive!

still going...

today I was discouraged....I wanted to quit, and I actually might make tomorrow my last day...this is HARD and not only that but I want to have a drink on Friday night at the SATC party with the girls, and I can't do that on lemonade alone, fruits and veggies YES, lemonade NO! I wanna do that, but geeze I wanna finish - today is day 7 and I won't be done til Thursday so that means that I can eat fruit and veggies on Sunday and geeze because of other things in my life, I wanna quti...but I don't want to be a quitter...

Delima, delima...that's what I'm facing...

I will awaken and decide...

cleansing, understanding

it really hit me in the face that everything you've been through does shape you. it's not baggage, it's your steppping stone. it's shaped you for better or for worse so now I have to learn how to use that step to the best place for all of your feelings and emotions...cryptic and probably not very clear, but it's all I got right now.

I denied my sis a chore...I'm tired, I've been cleansing and I'm on day 4. I switched shifts and tomorrow I'm able to sleep in and I'm taking the opportunity. sorry I had to and I hope my selfishness doesn't cause you too much grief.

day 4 of cleansing is ok. I think I got a little emotional earlier. mean customers and big D might have gotten to me a little. I'm glad it was over and out quickly. I denied big D my business today (even though I don't have any LOL) and he says he gets it, I hope he does.

cleansing has been ok, I'm working it out I can't believe it's been 4 days of me having the same thing everyday and it's just one thing and it's perfectly made and I'm over it...tomorrow is day 5, it'll be downhill from there and for that I am soooo THANKFUL!!!!!

I'm feeling a little fearful, but I'm trying not to let it get in my world. I have to keep prayerful.

goodnight day 4 of the cleanse tomorrow is the halfway point! I know I'm going to keep up my lifestyle choices after this, this was hard...tomorrow starts the gym.

I need to embrace it

What is it?? it is being single....

I embraced it when I was painfully raw from my break up, then I started getting over it, and now I just need to embrace it. Obviously I'm not going to be with anyone for some time, so I gotta get on the good foot...it happens when you aren't looking, it's not yours to make, let God bring someone in your life....

I hear them and on some level I believe it, but seriously - I GOTTA EMBRACE IT....you're single...and until your husband is revealed you obviously need to be...

Today I'm over homeboy I gave my number to last month that never called but still flirts with me endlessly. I try & keep it even, I guess I just have to embrace, that I'm single, nothing moving there....so keep it even, no more flirting (I mean, why for?), so I guess homeboy is busy or otherwise engaged, so I ain't even thinking anything is happening there...

Big D...that Ninja went to the left today...asking me how much is an iPad...I say around the ballpark I think the thing is in, he says can I get him one...that throws no bells cause he's forever acting like we're together and I'm going to get him something...but when I say it's not in the budget, homeboy comes at me talking about I'm hurt, I've done sooo much for you...WTF?...so I say homeboy I live in the present, you need to join me here....then he says I should have gotten more from you when you were here???? what kind of crazy town is this Ninja from??? I mean seriously??? get some ish from the girl you buy Nordstroms for...when I lived with you, you had attitude if I bought myself anything & today you're going there....GTFO!!!!

So I guess the real lesson of it all is, I'm single, I'm attractive, I'm single and attractive and that's OK, one day I will find the love of my life, one day I will have an active dating life, one day...so today all I can do is embrace ME & my SINGLENESS, I'm single and it's all good....the right one hasn't been revealed YET, but it will be...until then I EMBRACE IT - no more pushing, overthinking, no more planning based on NOTHING....EMBRACE you're single life, so you can be ready for your husband....

I'm deleting my plenty of fish account tooo...I mean what for????

I love you TK, I LOVE YOU lots....God Loves you, you're family loves you...you have love...that's all you get right now and that's all you need....EMBRACE IT

truly moving forward

even though I'm not the number one hoarder of the house, I am still a hoarder. So today I really talked to myself about myself and I'm trying to get rid of stuff. I think it's going to be alot less and every day offers a chance for improvement.
Moving brought emotions. I found the video camera me and Big D had gotten into an argument about it and of course he wants it. Even though I paid it all off, and I'm always the one called selfish, but you know what I really don't care about it, I got a Flip for x-mas and don't want that, but I'd perfer that becasue it's electronic. So yes Big D keep it and I gave you an apology about an argument we got into over 2 years ago, I hope it serves you well, I hope it releases you from something.
But in me finding the camera I feel mostly sad, just becasue that was my life and it's not any longer and there's nothing close to it in my life and that's sad. Plus I was sad becasue we went on a trip and had fun, even though there is a very big argument surrounding that also....but it was my family and I loved them and I thought we had fun and I miss them becasue they are not part of my life any longer. Mostly I'm moving past the old life that I've been holding on and mourning. And that's not the only old life I've been holding on to, I think I need to really get rid of all clothing that does not fit me. I am holding on to alot of stuff, but I also know when I move I'm moving on the weight loss thing pretty heavy so can I justify it through the end of the year or something?
It's time for new memories, new experiences - school is one and it's taking me somewhere, sewing and design also...my life is moving forward and I am trying to minimize my mourning...one good thing about living with a buncha folks you can't cry in your soup for too long by yourself, so I'm off to do some homework with the neicipoo and nephew and get ready for some dinner, I'm starving and I was good until I thought my stomach was eating itself and then I kinda went off track, but still not too bad, I might track it... alot is going on to be really counting and whatnot, but I also know I have been really conciensious and I brought my lunch to work and I will continue to do that this week also.

Glad I got it off my chest real quick and I'm moving past it. feeling kinda better.

Birthday Ruminations...

this was written while I was away 4/22/2010...

So I’m trying to get over big D while flirting and trying to get him places with me. So duh it’s not working.

My birthday was…I let other things get into my birthday…I don’t know why I ever told Steph it was cool to call him to hang with us, I don’t know why I ever even for a thought a second or a breath really thought he was going to come. So I’m irritated with me, I’m mad at me and I really want to back off of big D cause obviously he’s currently getting too much thoughts and that’s not good for my moving past this relationship so …ok today I told him

I gave someone my number and they haven’t used it and I’m kinda ticked cause I was fa sho they were going to use it. IRRITATED. I’m telling him to give it back! Grrrrr

So I had a relaxing week…my allergies are letting up, I drank some wine and felt good, I swam and relaxed in the hot tub and with a really nice Swedish massage & hour long facial!!!! Mmmmmm….it was a nice vacation!! I am blessed and thankful that I was able to spend this time! I really didn’t think about anything, I relaxed let the mind be free, I facebooked, no computer games though, I surfed very minimally on the iPhone…but not a lot at all…I’m typing this as I’m cleaning out my documents folder on the laptop, it’s been 3 years with us together and it needs to be cleaned up of some files and reorganized a bit, so I’m working it out, gotta get my tech fix in and be productive on my relaxing vacay…

From the relationship playbook tonight – the more we work on what we should be, the less we’ll feel the need to hide what we are. I’m working on what I should be, my best me.

I’ve lit the last fire of the vacation. I guess I’m ready to head home, but more than anything I’m more motivated to buy a house. I need to be in my own life, on my own schedule, living how I need to be. I’ve a business to start a degree to finish, some art and sewing to study, I like my own life, not my mothers or my sisters my own life. I need to live the life that motivates me.

So my birthday is a big thing for me. The goals for my life is to keep my workout momentum, get to stepping, summer is coming, you’re cute, but you could be cuter…get to steppin!!!! When I quit smoking I put off working out and eating right, a lot of it I allowed to be an excuse since quitting smoking, but today it’s time to let that go, I quit smoking over a year ago. What’s the purpose of being a fat ass non smoker? NONE! So get on it!!!

I’m moving on past Big D. I’m done; no I don’t think he will show up anywhere in support of me! No I won’t ask, no I won’t expect, no I will not entertain those thoughts, I was letting myself get sucked up, but I must not! We had been flirting pretty heavy, but guess what I’m done, he won’t get to experience all that we’ve teased the last week or so…oh well you’re bad and actually if you wasn’t always acting so damn scared to leave the forkinghouse we would have been done it..OH

Happy day and thanks for all that I was able to enjoy, thanks for the travelling grace, thanks for the ability to take the trip I am blessed beyond belief, I know that I am lucky that I have so many things in my grasp that others do not and for that I am thankful and I’m off to bed. I hope I can get up at 8 and take advantage of the gym and one last time in the pool would be a treat…I’ma try but it’s after midnight, but I’m tired…and a little drunk…goodnight – I’ll be posting from home, no internet on this trip!

I’m looking at my timed fire and thinking about the many properties I’ve seen with fireplace’s I wonder how hard it might be to make them a pretend fire that throws heat? I really have been enjoying this, I think it’s gas and it’s warming up the room one hour at a time. I would just like to turn it on and then off when I’m done. P on the list to check on when I am upgrading my new house…

Goodnight!