2012

I haven’t visited this space in many, many moons…almost a year and BOY what a year it’s been….


2012…

I graduated with my bachelors

I turned 40!

I threw myself a freaking party – people came!!

I lost a faux friend

I gained about 10 new genuine people!!!!

I started working towards my life goal…the one that makes me smile, the one that uses my knowledge of business and the creativity that lives inside of me!


So blessed I am finally able to earn my certificate in fashion design & merchandising…so blessed, that I have the time to dedicate to this program, I finished my first semester Wednesday and I’m freaking OVERJOYED & THANKFUL! I’ve eyed this program for the last 6 years, BLESSED! That I can now join it and finish it, it’s WORK. Harder than obtaining my bachelors, I’m not patient nor a great seamstress, but that’s ok…I know I have other talents and just because I’m not the best at these things, I know that my business will still thrive with me at the helm and the knowledge, contacts and skills that I’m learning!!! This honestly is the thing that keeps me going…darkness has been a theme in my life this year, along with my recurring themes dealing with men…my archenemies and my biggest personal challenge.

I am addicted to men, to love, to trying to be loved, to affection. I’m codependent, I stay in situations that are serving no purpose for me and as I read some blog posts that I’ve submitted to the world, I realize that this is my biggest hurdle…one that I am committing to fixing…I’ve grown a little in this area, I’ve given the boot to two men this year citing the fact that they weren’t serving my life in the manner that I needed and as such, they needed to go…feeling pretty cool about that…

My ex helped me get over my recent heartbreak, but I’ve got to get him back out and at arms length, he’s not one I can lean on, currently there is no one for me to lean on but me…I hurt by that knowledge, this is my hurdle, this is my 41st years goal, my 2013 thing to overcome…not to have some man to lean on, but that I know I’m strong enough to lean on myself and a man is not my captain, I’m my own captain…I can only save myself!!!

But for 2012 all I can say is this freaking year has been one that is worth about 1,000,000,000 gold stars!!!! Regardless of my man issues, I, ME, I, ME!!!! I!I!I!I! have accomplished so much, I’m stronger than I give myself credit for…and even though there is not one man in my life currently that I can call if I’m on the side of the road stranded, I know that my sister and my BFF will be there…I guess I’m gonna learn to lean on those broads more, cause I’m kicking all those addictions to the curb, unhealthy relationships won’t be mine in 2013..this I KNOW!!!

2013, I’m ready to meet you…TK I’m ready to see you grow, you are learning and growing, so I know that the future will be more of the same and the lessons will finally start to STICK!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! See ya in 2013…

over reacting

so I was told I over react. Hmmmm I'm feeling some kind of way about that because I think she was trying to throw shade...I can't get all emotional about it. is being emotional about a situation the same as over reacting? cause if that's the case, then maybe...

think, think, think...

Sooooo I am putting so much stock in a man currently and I don't really like that...catching feelings for that which does not deserve is forking tiring...but then I be scared to roll after soemthing that isn't tiring, but much easier to get knocked the f&^% out and probably knock some body the f&*k out...but I know I will be more satisfied, it's like I'd rather be tired than hurt, but being tired hurts tooo so wtf?
what am I fraid of? doing it wrong? scared because I could think ahundred things that wouldn't be perfect, but nothing is perfect, one is what i'm used to what i know? the other is walking out on a limb that i never seen the likes of...that's the fear but in reality it's just man women shit, so why am i sooo fucking afraid of it?
idk, I gotta go get my mind off this right now...and just remember that...#1 is gonna be number zero...i must not go to the physical of soemthing that's not working...it would be the same as the situation in January...but this time it's something that I move from because it ain't right, not cause of self preservation or FEAR! actually not or but I moved away because of FEAR!
I'm going to stop being afraid...I'm going to start praying harder, so that I can be assured...so that what is for me will be right....
goodnight...

self sabatoge

back at it again...been doing this all weekend!! I need to get my sexy back, my confidence back, my ME back!!!

I haven't been training or dieting, I've been putting myself in crazy man situations...I am kicking all men to tha curb, but what if my tryst shouldn't be kicked...my current lack of confidence makes me self preserve and not even go for something that i've been thinking about for a while...where's the logic?

and I been sucking on school too!!!!

I gotta get back on track, I don't know what has me acting all kinds of slackerish and loserish...but I gotta get it back!!!

HELP!!!

Friday Night

spending the night in the hizzous...

the old man is playing me and he knows it, i just gotta say stop touching me! cause even though i'm working on being the tortoise i have to say what i know is right, it's just that i kinda like it and no one else is paying me no attention...wha waaaa NOT! i can live by myself...I'm good, but i MUST stop giving into my libido!!! that is the purpose of my whole Friday night at the hizzous...home.alone...
laughing, cheesing, eating awful food and drinking champagne...i guess i'm going to call this wallowing and throw this out the window with the break of dawn!!!

gotta stop letting the hormones affect me

sooooo....I been on one, had a lot of penis in my face (for lack of a better phrase, that's for the homie DDub, lol)..
so of course those girl hormones get to going with thoughts of grandeur in one direction or another and then I slow down with everyone...maybe I become not as open, but regular...with Big D of course we flat out argue, but that's to be expected

so seeing as this is the new year, my first thought was the same...kick out the old, the Big D and keep a friend...

I can't be all these people's number 2, 3 or 4 I only need to be one somebodies number 1 and only...that's flat out the bottom line, I'm not selling myself short for it...if you can't committ I gotta acquit! LMAO

ok, it's late morning i worked all night and now I'm going to sleep, I need to log 45 minutes later and I gotta get ready for the workweek get gas, groceries and whatnot!! on my grind for the vacay!!!!

scattered

so again i'm nervous that what i want and what i did meet...i thought i gave this away, it's not a testement of faith, but that pit in the bottom of my stomach when the thought creeps...it's 4 hours before the alarm will sound and i'm UP!

my mind is scattered that's why things are getting to me as they are. i must settle my whole entire freaking world...i'm a MESS and not only because of the self sabatoge, but other things that are not as they should be...i need to get on track, school, work, sewing :D

saving is my focus of the right now, i've taken lunch every day for the last 2 week +...i'm getting it in...only .6 worth this week, but man oh man i have all week to do it again :D

just totally cheered myself up :D gonna go to bed after a period of meditation and prayer...being thankful for what i have acheived in the last 2+ weeks and the focus on the more i can do and will soon be doing as second nature...MORE means alot...more taking care of business, more school focus, more over all focus, more taking care of business...MORE...you know TK

going to bed now, to dream of that which i want and the path to getting it...business, financial, savings, house, man with .......********** everthing that God brings to me that's my biggest want! just cause i want doesn't mean i'm demanding, we have to want to get, to know how to achieve to have a focus, we want jobs, we want life...<<<~~~~not too sure what took me to the left (white guilt? , lmao) silly...

goodnight

back on track, challenges, new directions

so i'm working it out on point...exercising often and i'm HAPPY!!!

someone wanted to challenge me today at work, but no i'm not having it! walked away, said a prayer, cooled down and didn't let it get to me. but i did have to advise my sup it's time for him to make a move...i think he's very passive and doesn't want to get into stuff, but i really believe he starts mess...he don't like me and he's passive and scary...so idk, but i'm not letting it worry me...i prayed, and stayed outta the drama...did i mention i'm HAPPY!!!!

I'm thinking about doing something different...not sure the direction i will be taking, but it's going to be something interesting...I hope it helps propel my future business....I'm sure it will, i just must make it happen...but i also know i'm spread really thin right now, so i gotta chill, plot and plan

I am HAPPY!!! I have goals, and I must make them happen...I must keep prayerful and make sure I'm following the Lord's path and continue to ask for guidance and listen for the directions...tomorrow i'm going to weigh, haven't done that in 3 weeks, nervous, but I know I will have positive results!!

Goodnight world, the babbler is sleepy

self sabatoge

my impatience and maybe a little self pity allowed me to do something i really regret...not because of the act, or the person, but because of what else i want...i want something more and something better but i cheapened it for the right now, that gave no inkling or resemblance of the want...it was something but it wasn't comfort...
i have a hard time slowing down, i want things in my time, but i can't always have it in my time...I know that the behaviour i exhibited can affect my want for more, more might not want that impatient girl...so i must become patient and always work towards the wants not the right nows....right nows are many, wants are few and far between...
thankful that i can see the lesson, it's done, the consequences may come, but i pray they do not...I know that won't happen again...patience for the future is where my mind will stay

*** in much better news, the first Monday of the New Year had me see the gym and an evening short wii workout!!! ***

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!! 1/1/2011....

Wow! 2010 was a great year and I know that awesome, wonderful and great things are coming up soon!!!! I'm feeling hopeful and I know that I am moving towards things that will help my career and my world and my life...I'm happy to be continuing to save so I can buy my home, to build a business and to continue to learn grow and to be pursuing health!

Pursuing all things is what I'm going to continue to do...

Last night...
I opted to stay home, then I thought about having company, that fell through, but I still wanna kick it with him....I'm such a girl!!! blah...it's Saturday night, I worked early today and will again tomorrow...I'm tired...so I'm going to lay it down as I watch a little Game marathon! yippeee for cable, that I wanna cancel cause it's not helping me save!!!! Well as always I have things to work on...

Good night peeps...new year...keep on pushing, learning, pursuing life every day!!!!

Well at least since the last time I blogged on 12/23/10 I have been 100% on point!!!! so I'm moving slowly, but surely in the right direction...I still have PLENTY of work to do...slowly, surely

what''s wrong BooBoo???

Thursday December 23, 2010

Hello…I’m Ms. TL and I’m feeling some kind a way…Haven’t been blogging and my life has dipped and dogged, nothing too exciting or too mundane. I lost a buddy from work, and gained some flirtatious fun, spent too much money, lost weight and gained weight, I need some big dolla’s for some must have’s and not to mention pay off all these dayum credit card charges…moving back and forth, back and forth…it can really muss up a plan…but it happens, ready to rebound...

I have a list of need to do’s and the most pressing involve money (of course) …I haven’t been accomplishing anything, just moving the end of the semester sucked, well I think I fell apart about thanksgiving, so maybe I should be too hard on myself, I been off track for a month (not to mention, I was trying to add to my list of lovah’s…it didn’t happen, and today I’m kinda glad for it…but that’s somethoughts for some other time) a month is not forever, but it’s a long time…it might be over a month since I last was in the gym, I’m thinking 6-8 weeks…eekkk!!!!

Ok Ms TL maybe just needed to get this off of her chest, cause now I feel really good so, I must DO! I got chores up the ying yang.

OK, I’m up and going, I’m probably not going to work tomorrow, I’m going to clean up this place and make some calls that I need to make, take care of some chores that I been neglecting.

a day off

Today I had a day off, I was going to go keep a friend calm at the hospital while her kid had some surgery, but the location changed and I didn't think I was still needed....I got some good rest instead...I ran some errands and been doing some early Christmas sewing for work...nothing exciting, just some stockings that I'd seamed up...they were cut and unfortunately glued together, but I still was able to seam them up and put a little fabric on to make some cuffs, I'm almost done, about 4 more togo...

so this day off has been pretty uneventful...my room is clean, I did that on Sunday night, but I need to do some laundry...I'm on my way to hit the gym...I MUST start getting in some more regular exercise in...last week I flaked on it, but this week I'm determined to get some exercise in 4 days a week...so right now, at 9pm on a Monday night I must hit the gym...I have many miles to travel....

I'm working hard on doing what I say I'm going to do...I do a pretty good job of doing what I say I will do for others, but things I tell myself...I do not follow through with, specifically working out! I must get prepared for this marathon, that I'd like to complete for breast cancer...

back with connections

Well I was given a new laptop!!! YAY & THANKS!!!!

So I haven't been blogging, cause I didn't want my info compromised...I'm trying to be real secretive with this whole my online big azz mouth...twitter ain't cutting it...my fake name is well known...

well...alots been brewing, I actually don't know how long it might take me to get back into the stream of writing or where I might begin...

I'll think on it, but I'm sure I'll have something to say again soon

two weeks later, still distracted

I'm still partaking in my same distraction...I was about a week from not participating, but then I went back...going back is a situation that I been repeating...just goofy, I know...
I cooked today, boy did I cook, feeling kinda domesticated been talking to a man that I been wanting to talk to for a minute...it would be nice to cook for a man like i did today, when i woke up I cooked a great breakfast and then crawled back into bed, woulda been so nice tohave someone to crawl in with...but it is what is it...
i haven't been working on my self for one lick and i must get to that...that's dumb not to...so if i stop with number one then i will definately complete number two...so since one is impeding two, two must be one and one must go...
goodnight!

distracted

I'm sooo distracted lately...like I don't know what to focus on...I can say I am keeping up with school. I'm on week 4 at my school and week 3 at the cc
I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm irritable, I'm irritating, I'm lonely, I'm an asshole, I haven't been to the gym...I'm extremely happy, I'm blessed beyond belief, I'm loved
that's my whole thing right now, I'm scattered all over the place...but today I'm going to focus that school is going well...the house hunt...now that is who knows? I think part of my distraction is coming from not wanting to think about the house hunt when a house is all I've thought about for soooo long it was close and then it was far, I haven't talked to anyone re a house in over 2 months...I feel discouraged but I should just get the black and white of the situation....
maybe I should just make a list and take care of what I need tooo I gotta stop being distracted
I MUST get my focus on my fitness...my whole life needs it...
goodnight love you

participating in this race

I'm in it, the rat race I'm a willing participant putting my all forward and I'd like to win or place so high that people know me...It begins inside, embracing me ~ that's what I'm learning, regardless of what anyone might have or anything; they deserve it and so do I, it will come to me when I am ready for it....
I'm thankful for the Memorial Day I just spent, actually this weekend was really good, I worked the graveyard so I got to spend my weekend with my peeps....so blessed and I'm thankful for my blessings.
I've a busy weekend planned. I want to get this room together and go buy a vaccum...I have plans for lunch and I wanted to get my hair dyed if we can get together before I gotta get back to work...
Been to the gym 4 of the last 5 days and that's what I'm talking about...gotta get it, I'm back on food and I'm going to make something vegetarian for myself for this week, I ate meat this weekend, but I was mindful and dind't overindulge tooo much, I'm trying to keep a under my daily calories and gradually move up and I think I'm doing that...
RIP to my Grandpa a retired Air Force Man...thankful for your service and today we honor you and those like you, I miss you and love you...
goodnight, heading to rest in a mindful, thankful, happier, most embracing of self, situation...embrace the positive!

still going...

today I was discouraged....I wanted to quit, and I actually might make tomorrow my last day...this is HARD and not only that but I want to have a drink on Friday night at the SATC party with the girls, and I can't do that on lemonade alone, fruits and veggies YES, lemonade NO! I wanna do that, but geeze I wanna finish - today is day 7 and I won't be done til Thursday so that means that I can eat fruit and veggies on Sunday and geeze because of other things in my life, I wanna quti...but I don't want to be a quitter...

Delima, delima...that's what I'm facing...

I will awaken and decide...

cleansing, understanding

it really hit me in the face that everything you've been through does shape you. it's not baggage, it's your steppping stone. it's shaped you for better or for worse so now I have to learn how to use that step to the best place for all of your feelings and emotions...cryptic and probably not very clear, but it's all I got right now.

I denied my sis a chore...I'm tired, I've been cleansing and I'm on day 4. I switched shifts and tomorrow I'm able to sleep in and I'm taking the opportunity. sorry I had to and I hope my selfishness doesn't cause you too much grief.

day 4 of cleansing is ok. I think I got a little emotional earlier. mean customers and big D might have gotten to me a little. I'm glad it was over and out quickly. I denied big D my business today (even though I don't have any LOL) and he says he gets it, I hope he does.

cleansing has been ok, I'm working it out I can't believe it's been 4 days of me having the same thing everyday and it's just one thing and it's perfectly made and I'm over it...tomorrow is day 5, it'll be downhill from there and for that I am soooo THANKFUL!!!!!

I'm feeling a little fearful, but I'm trying not to let it get in my world. I have to keep prayerful.

goodnight day 4 of the cleanse tomorrow is the halfway point! I know I'm going to keep up my lifestyle choices after this, this was hard...tomorrow starts the gym.

I need to embrace it

What is it?? it is being single....

I embraced it when I was painfully raw from my break up, then I started getting over it, and now I just need to embrace it. Obviously I'm not going to be with anyone for some time, so I gotta get on the good foot...it happens when you aren't looking, it's not yours to make, let God bring someone in your life....

I hear them and on some level I believe it, but seriously - I GOTTA EMBRACE IT....you're single...and until your husband is revealed you obviously need to be...

Today I'm over homeboy I gave my number to last month that never called but still flirts with me endlessly. I try & keep it even, I guess I just have to embrace, that I'm single, nothing moving there....so keep it even, no more flirting (I mean, why for?), so I guess homeboy is busy or otherwise engaged, so I ain't even thinking anything is happening there...

Big D...that Ninja went to the left today...asking me how much is an iPad...I say around the ballpark I think the thing is in, he says can I get him one...that throws no bells cause he's forever acting like we're together and I'm going to get him something...but when I say it's not in the budget, homeboy comes at me talking about I'm hurt, I've done sooo much for you...WTF?...so I say homeboy I live in the present, you need to join me here....then he says I should have gotten more from you when you were here???? what kind of crazy town is this Ninja from??? I mean seriously??? get some ish from the girl you buy Nordstroms for...when I lived with you, you had attitude if I bought myself anything & today you're going there....GTFO!!!!

So I guess the real lesson of it all is, I'm single, I'm attractive, I'm single and attractive and that's OK, one day I will find the love of my life, one day I will have an active dating life, one day...so today all I can do is embrace ME & my SINGLENESS, I'm single and it's all good....the right one hasn't been revealed YET, but it will be...until then I EMBRACE IT - no more pushing, overthinking, no more planning based on NOTHING....EMBRACE you're single life, so you can be ready for your husband....

I'm deleting my plenty of fish account tooo...I mean what for????

I love you TK, I LOVE YOU lots....God Loves you, you're family loves you...you have love...that's all you get right now and that's all you need....EMBRACE IT

truly moving forward

even though I'm not the number one hoarder of the house, I am still a hoarder. So today I really talked to myself about myself and I'm trying to get rid of stuff. I think it's going to be alot less and every day offers a chance for improvement.
Moving brought emotions. I found the video camera me and Big D had gotten into an argument about it and of course he wants it. Even though I paid it all off, and I'm always the one called selfish, but you know what I really don't care about it, I got a Flip for x-mas and don't want that, but I'd perfer that becasue it's electronic. So yes Big D keep it and I gave you an apology about an argument we got into over 2 years ago, I hope it serves you well, I hope it releases you from something.
But in me finding the camera I feel mostly sad, just becasue that was my life and it's not any longer and there's nothing close to it in my life and that's sad. Plus I was sad becasue we went on a trip and had fun, even though there is a very big argument surrounding that also....but it was my family and I loved them and I thought we had fun and I miss them becasue they are not part of my life any longer. Mostly I'm moving past the old life that I've been holding on and mourning. And that's not the only old life I've been holding on to, I think I need to really get rid of all clothing that does not fit me. I am holding on to alot of stuff, but I also know when I move I'm moving on the weight loss thing pretty heavy so can I justify it through the end of the year or something?
It's time for new memories, new experiences - school is one and it's taking me somewhere, sewing and design also...my life is moving forward and I am trying to minimize my mourning...one good thing about living with a buncha folks you can't cry in your soup for too long by yourself, so I'm off to do some homework with the neicipoo and nephew and get ready for some dinner, I'm starving and I was good until I thought my stomach was eating itself and then I kinda went off track, but still not too bad, I might track it... alot is going on to be really counting and whatnot, but I also know I have been really conciensious and I brought my lunch to work and I will continue to do that this week also.

Glad I got it off my chest real quick and I'm moving past it. feeling kinda better.